Lace Up Your BOOTS

By

I am thankful that you have chosen to join us on this journey;

our world needs courageous and legendary leaders right

now! We NEED leaders that know how to leave a GREAT

legacy!

© Copyright, 2020 by Caleb Vaden - All rights reserved.

It is not legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of

this document in either electronic means or printed format.

Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited.

You have been gifted this free E-Copy by the author.

Please abide by the copyright laws, and do not re-

distribute. This book was written for Airmen/students

graduating from Airman Leadership School.

** The views expressed within this book are those

of the author and do not necessarily reflect the

official policy or position of the Department of the

Air Force, the Department of Defense, or the U.S.

government.

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This book is dedicated to

My best friend, wife, the Vaden CEO, my editor, my

confidant, my love Amy; and our four sons Elijah, Noah,

Christian and Isaiah.

Thank you for always believing in, supporting, encouraging,

and inspiring me to be the best version of myself! I am

forever indebted to you all. I am so proud of you all and very

humbled to be your husband Amy, and dad to you boys!

From the mountains of Afghanistan.

Love, Dad

...and to everyone that I have had the wonderful pleasure of

serving our great nation with, I am forever GRATEFUL for

you, your service, your sacrifice, and for helping me become

a better person, y’all ROCK!!

#Proud2serve

~Chief V

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Table of contents

Introduction

4

What is Leadership?

9

Why I Lead

19

Interlude: Lead Them Well

30

Waypoints:

1: Reaching Your Peak Potential

32

2: Attitude of Gratitude

48

3: Circle of Influence & Mentorship

61

4: Addressing Toxic Behavior

70

5: Crucial Conversations

90

6: Pursue Excellence

100

7: Developing Inclusive Leaders

109

8 Becoming A Legend

134

Epilogue

162

Acknowledgements

162

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Introduction

*This is an updated version of the original “Boot

Leadership” published in October of 2020.

Congratulations on wanting to take your leadership

journey to the next level (waypoint) on your journey! I

intentionally streamlined this book (trail map) for you,

because there is no shortage of “wordy” books that will run

you around the mountain 25 times to share one point...this

is not one of those books! In addition, I limit how many

philosophies that I share that are not my own. My objective

is to share with you the steps I have taken, and the lessons

learned in my leadership journey.

If you want other’s opinions and/or philosophies,

read their books. I have a ton of respect for other authors

who are also proven leaders; but I like to get the author’s

thoughts straight from the author, not about how they think

other’s thoughts are important alone, and not really capture

any of their original ideas.

In this book, you will uncover the trail less traveled

by leaders and the simple core steps to becoming a better

version of yourself, which will make you a better follower

and leader. My goal is a simple one. I truly hope to develop

a generation of real leaders, legendary leaders!

I call this “Real Talk” and periodically throughout

the book, I will have “Real Talk call outs” identified by an

“RT:” It is possible that I will say something that stings a little; however, know that I share from the heart and with love. I also never liked anything to be sugar coated, other than cookies-I love sugar cookies, but seriously, you will not benefit from this book if I do not keep it real with you!

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We will just jump right into it, after this intro, and I like to

keep the chapters (waypoints) short to make it super easy to

read and retain! I love hiking, and this book is structured off

that premise, that leadership is a journey...a mountain ascent

even. I will try to do my best to not go overboard with my

hiking analogies, but there will be a few. I offer some

reflective questions at the end of each waypoint, to help you

in your analysis of your own leadership journey!

I started a Facebook group and podcast back a few

months ago, and this is more of a synchronized compilation

of a lot of articles I have written, which is where some of this

may be familiar for some of you, and you will get to hear

from some of the heroes I have served with! Another couple

of points to note; I LOVE quotes and will open each chapter

with one that I think sets the tone for that chapter. We can

learn so much from those that have come before us. Before

we get too far though, a little bit about me.

I have served in the United States Air Force for 19

years (at the time of this writing) and currently hold the grade

of Chief Master Sergeant. I do not tell you that as to boast,

but rather to highlight my experience and success that I have

had by following these simple steps ... they really do work!

I have had the amazing opportunity to serve with and learn

from some awesome leaders, of which you will hear from a

couple of them a little later. I can never thank my teammates

enough for their support and unwavering dedication to each

other, to me and to our Air Force mission. I have learned so

much from all those I have served with and can only hope

that I have been able to brighten their lives too, if even only

a little bit...I will consider that a success.

I come from very humble beginnings and was told

that I would NEVER make it, and that I would come

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crawling back to my small hometown in MS. Well, in your

face! Ok, I cannot have that philosophy, but if you have

heard that you will never be anything, and especially since

as early as you can remember, it is hard not to have a bit of

an aggressive attitude! I must have and maintain an outward

mindset and look to how those beginnings helped to shape

the man, husband, father, and Airman that I am today.

There was a lot of abuse in my early days, and there

are scars, both emotionally and physically, that I have had to

come to terms with over my life. I tell you this, not as to

make you feel sorry for me, because those who know me,

know that is the absolute last thing that I want. I only share

this so you will have just enough awareness, a background

story on me, so that the rest of this book makes a little better

sense to you.

I met my best friend, my wife in late 1999, and the

rest, as they say, is history. Our love for one another has

never wavered over these last 20 years, and I am blessed to

be her husband. I joined the Air Force in 2001, 5 weeks after

our first son was born, and 19 years, three more sons and two

dogs later, here I am!

My experience and primary audience are the brave

heroes that serve our nation, in the Air Force and are

graduating our “Airman Leadership School” (for my civilian

audience: this is our supervision preparatory course, and

they will go on to supervise and lead Airmen upon their

graduation) however, I am fully persuaded that the lessons I

present here, will be of great benefit to anyone in any

profession. Have you wondered why it seems as if your team

is not connected, or just if they seem to be conforming versus

following your lead? Well, I will help you solve that through

my hard-learned lessons that I will describe in this book.

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There is no sense in you having to learn these lessons the

same way I did (in real time) but rather from the comfort of

your desired reading location. Do not hesitate though; as

leaders we do not have the luxury of “waiting until tomorrow

to get better” for those we lead deserve and are waiting on

the best version of you; but you should know what it takes!

Lastly, why do you want to lead? It is a simple

question really; however, there are many who will struggle

to answer this. I am not here to judge you or insinuate that if

you cannot answer this question that you are not meant to be

a leader. Not at all! I want you to really analyze this and

search your heart to see what motivates or inspires you to be

a leader. It is important that we realize that we are all on

different portions or stages of our leadership journey. Some

of us are just starting out (having trouble answering the

question) all the way across the leadership spectrum to those

that have been successfully leading in their field for years.

As you read this book, be thinking of the answer to

the question presented. You do not have to have the answer

by the end of the next two chapters; however, the answer

should start to become clearer to you. Your primary reason

for leading will most likely (once it is true and pure) not

change; although the other intangibles and what you

consider rewarding about leading will most likely mature

with you and flex to your environment and career conditions.

Listen, there is not one leader who has it all figured out. If

there is someone that tells you otherwise, then WATCH out,

they are not who they appear to be, trust me!

We are all in our “dash”. You know that dash on our

headstones? You know what it is, you have seen it; it is that

little dash between the date etched in when you were born,

and then when you died. So, enough chit chat let’s get right

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to the “real talk” on the situation, as your time is precious!

We will discuss what leadership is, which may assist you in

determining your reason and passion for wanting to lead; and

I will provide my reason and passion for leading, which

should serve as an example or template for you to use in your

leadership journey.

Let’s Get IT!

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What is Leadership?

"A true leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions, and the compassion to listen to the needs of others. He does not set out to be a leader but becomes one by the equality of his actions and the integrity of his intent."

~Douglas MacArthur

This is a funny topic to me... Why? Well, because it

depends on who you ask. Just go on over to your favorite

internet search engine, and type in the title above, and you

will instantly see exactly what I am talking about!

Now, I love quotes, and you will see them sprinkled

about this book; and the reason that I like them is because I

am a firm believer that the art and science of leadership is

not anything new. See, there have been amazing leaders that

have come before us, some more than five generations

before us, and they have already figured it out for us.

Therefore, that is why I like quotes from these renowned

leaders...they have already “been there and done that”!

example of what leadership is.

Take the quote that we started this chapter off with.

It is simple, and it sums up leadership perfectly! The concept

of leadership is not hard, and it is so simple that it will make

your head explode. Do NOT get caught up in all the hustle

and bustle of this grandiose, culturally defined example of

what leadership is. You and I both know that there are a

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LOT, maybe even an incalculable amount, of “leadership”

articles, podcast, books etc. (I have even done a few

myself!). Yet we still have a deficit of REAL leaders. I know

that does not surprise you, just look around.

Why do we have a lack of REAL leaders, legendary

leaders? Well, in my humble opinion it is because our

culture, our society has glamorized leaders and their science

and art we all know as leadership. It is not that we really

need to glamorize it at all; and even further to make a point,

REAL leaders do not need it to be glamorized anyway, they

will lead regardless.

replacements!

I believe that we have glamorized it in such a way

that many of our youth believe it is “failure” if they do not

want to lead. We have made following seem subpar and not

culturally accepted. In this endeavor, we have inadvertently

created a massive power vacuum and have promoted

countless amounts of ill prepared, inexperienced, fake, and

downright horrible leaders. Yes, they post all of their

“leadership successes” on social media; however, we the audience (the pawns in their story) very seldom if ever, see how everything is caged just right to capture the perfect, self- elating, and “yay for me” picture. So, what are we to do? For one thing, we, the REAL leaders, must take action and develop others to replace us! Leadership is action of sacrifice, serving others, hard work, dedication, and a desire to help others reach their full potential. However, before we get there, we must discuss

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another key component of leadership development that

usually gets a bad rap. Let us talk about the “F” word. Yes,

followership! Yes, I just went there! I would like to walk

us through a quick scenario to help paint the picture of how

important followership is in the development of real

leadership. Did you know that the qualities of a good leader

are also found in a good follower? Who would have guessed

it, right!?

Anyway, before you throw this book across the

room, because you thought this was your guide to be a great

leader, just stay with me for a second. I want to let you in on

a little secret... There are not any secrets to leadership.

What? Yes, that is right. There are not any secrets; however,

there are a LOT of things that others just do not talk about,

because it is not flashy or self-elating. One of the key growth

areas and a true preparation in becoming a leader is peer

followership and/or peer leadership; and to help you

understand what leadership is, I want to walk you through a

“peer followership” scenario. Remember that flashy, IG post about leadership we just talked about? Listen, that is NOT leadership! Yes, there are some legitimate leaders out there, and they are doing GREAT things for those they lead and all of those around them; however, they will be just fine if we do not talk about them. Let us talk about the rest of the PEOPLE out here in the real world! Shall we talk about you? Yes, you. I know how you feel...

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So, there you are thinking that you are the next best

leader, and then WHAM! Yes, those “they(s)” put one of

your peers in charge! How could they not see your

potential!? OK, I get it, this has never happened to you; so,

I will talk about my story. You can sit back, relax and learn

from someone else’s story... When I came back to reality,

after my brief visit in the afterlife, I was furious that I had

been overlooked! No, wait! I had been outright mistreated,

stabbed right in the back, maybe even intentionally

sabotaged. When I really thought about it, I was deliberately

sabotaged! This was the heart of the “good ole boy” system.

Now, that is how I felt. Sound familiar? Oh, sure it does!

better.

Why do we automatically jump to conclusions like

this? Why do we take it so personal? Well, for starters, we

are NOT used to any real feedback regarding our

performance, because as a society, we just do not give

beneficial and/or constructive feedback. Most of us grow up

hearing that we are just the best at fill in the blank. However,

we are not always the best. Sometimes, many times even,

others are better than we are. True, there are also those times

where you are the best, and it is some sort of sabotage. There

are different ways to go about seeking and receiving

retribution for those actions; however, between those actions

and for the ones that we were not qualified for, our actions

should be the same. Heroes, that is what I want to talk to

you about, the time between now and then.

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How should we respond as followers? Well, once

you get off your “high horse” you will see that the individual

(yes, that human being) in most cases had nothing to do with

the actual decision. How would you want to be treated, by

your followers, should you find yourself in that same

position? Oh yeah, I just went there! I want to be treated

with respect, to be trusted, and to be supported. My wife

Amy had to remind me of this, when I found myself in this

very situation. She also said, “Caleb, isn’t someone still

technically following you too?” #WISEWOMAN She was

right! There are always others watching us. What she was

really saying, and I just won’t be as gentle, suck it up and get

over yourself. You have a shining opportunity directly in

front of you. Be thankful that you have been granted with

such a blessing!

You will be their example. You may say, “I don’t

want this opportunity”; and I say to that, you are not ready

to lead then. I am not trying to be mean; I just want you to

hear the truth. Leaders are humble servants to those they

lead; and additionally, good followers are humble servants

to those around them. Ouch? Well, back to my story then...

I chose to listen to my wife (which is ALWAYS productive

with positive outcomes) and looked to truly serve those

around me, to include the one that was leading us. He did

not make the choice to be in this position, nor was he

deliberately trying to sabotage me. Now, even though he

gave me plenty of opportunities to work on my patience; I

took every opportunity to try and help him be successful.

I understood that it is also not easy “leading your

peers” and I knew the more I supported him, the higher the

probability was of me being able to influence him for the

greater good of the entire team and our mission. I also tried

to see what I could learn from him. No, this experience was

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not my first choice; however, I understood that I could learn

from it. After all, it was him calling the shots and I could

learn what worked and what did not. Was this easy? Well,

no; however, I never advertised followership that way.

Following will cause you to bury your pride and focus on

someone other than yourself, which is not easy for most. I

am going to let you in on a little secret. If that is not easy for

you and you do not get that fixed, then you will most likely

struggle a LOT at real leadership. You had better get

comfortable with humility right now, and there is probably

not a better way to work on humility, than to follow in a

supporting role!

I would like to help you out with something. Focus

helps me, and I want to share five (5) things that I believe

will help you focus on your followership journey. This list

is NOT all-inclusive, but it should get you started on and

keep you on the right track.

• Acknowledge that you may not actually be the

best, or even as good as you think you are

• Look to learn from the experience
• Acknowledge that successful followers &

leaders all exhibit the same attributes, character

traits; and if you are following right, it won’t be

long before someone notices your leadership

potential

• Do not make this about you; seriously, do not

do that because you will absolutely miss the point,

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your opportunity to serve others and your ability to

grow as a human

• Look for ways to support the leader and those

around you and always live with an attitude of

gratitude

Wow, that was cool, right? Well, even if you did not

think it was, you should keep reading. Why, because this

book is for you, and it really is about leadership! What I

really want you to know about leadership is this: It is NOT

ABOUT YOU, so do not try to make it about you! Our sixth

president, John Quincy Adams said it best when he said, “If

your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do

more and become more, you are a leader”.

Leadership really is that simple. It is all about

action, as you cannot inspire people by sitting on

your backside. Like followership; I want to share

five (5) things that I believe will help you on your

leadership journey. This list is NOT all-inclusive,

but it should get you started on and keep you on the

right track.

• Acknowledge that you may not actually be the

best, or even as good as you think you are

• Look to learn from the experience
• Acknowledge that successful followers &

leaders all exhibit the same attributes, character

traits; and if you are following right, it won’t be

long before someone notices your leadership

potential

• Do not make this about you; seriously, do not

do that because you will absolutely miss the point,

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your opportunity to serve others and your ability to

grow as a human

• Look for ways to support the leader (oh yeah,

there is ALWAYS one of those!) and those

around you and always live with an attitude of

gratitude

Do you still want to throw your book, because I

simply copied and pasted all but a couple of words from my

“followership” scenario? Well, to be fair, I did tell you that I am unorthodox, I do not sugar coat anything, and I want you to have the truth.

“Every true leader is a true follower. Every true follower is a true leader. You are followed because of the dreams you pursue; you pursue others because of the dreams they follow!”

~ Israelmore Ayivor

The sooner you come to terms with this concept, the

sooner you will see that you are already leading. This

journey you are on, is just that, a journey. Leadership (like

life) is about the journey, not a finite destination. When you

look at leadership as a destination, you will fail. I am not

talking about the “fail forward’ movement, I am talking

about literal failure. Yes, you know it; that feeling of

despair, utter disappointment, complete loss...nothingness.

That is exactly how you will feel; and worse yet, that is how

those you are entrusted to lead, will feel.

Well then, that was heavy right there at the end; and

you may be asking yourself if you have what it takes to be a

leader. Let me tell you something, you ABSOLUTELY

have what it takes! These truths are just tough to hear

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sometimes, when our culture, our society does not talk about

leadership in this way. That is also why you do not see that

many real leaders. I love what Theodore Roosevelt says,

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

This is such a true statement! So many times, we can

become so worried, fixated really, on those opportunities

that we want or think we deserve, versus growing where we

are currently planted. Let me just encourage you to enjoy

the moment, the people, and the experience that you are

currently in. We are all in a growth season, and you do not

have to worry about where everyone else is on their journey,

as a measuring stick to whether your journey is successful or

not.

So, where are you? Are you chasing something that

seems out of reach? Alternatively, are you enjoying the

stage of life that you are in? Remember, it is all about the

journey, and we all have a different one. Yes, some may be

similar; however, you are on your own unique journey with

your own unique experiences. Do NOT conform to what you

may feel is the “accepted norms”, you must be authentic and

be yourself.

Now there will be times where you change to meet

the situation in order to be the most effective, but your

personal, core values should not be compromised at all!

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Key Takeaways

We certainly covered a LOT of ground here in this

chapter; and we tested the boundaries on our society’s

leadership narrative. We challenged much of what you may

have considered leadership and with any luck we were able

to help you focus on the importance of leadership

development, through a widely unknown and very seldom

acknowledged ally on our journey, followership. We also

talked about five (5) focus areas that will really help you

discover your true leadership trail.

• Acknowledge that you may not actually be the best, or

even as good as you think you are

• Look to learn from the experience
• Acknowledge that successful followers & leaders all

exhibit the same attributes, character traits; and if you

are following right, it won’t be long before someone

notices your leadership potential

• Do not make this about you; seriously, do not do that

because you will absolutely miss the point, your

opportunity to serve others and your ability to grow as

a human

• Look for ways to support the leader (oh yeah, there is

ALWAYS one of those!) and those around you and

always live with an attitude of gratitude

Reflective Questions:

1. What experiences have you learned the most from?

2. Do you struggle to support those in leadership roles?

In the next chapter we will cover why I lead, which I

hope will give you an example and/or template to assist you

with determining your reason for leading.

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Why I Lead

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader”

~ John Q. Adams

Others affirm you as a leader; you do not affirm

yourself! I think for you to truly understand my reasoning,

my passion for leading; we will need to discuss three critical

components: My personal values, my “why” and my

journey. Before we get too far into this chapter, it is

important to understand that I have not “arrived”, nor do I

think I have all the answers. As previously stated, we are all

on different segments of our journey and we all have

different life experiences.

What I hope to do over the next few paragraphs is

help you understand a little bit about me and my passion for

leading, which will hopefully make the following chapters

of this book a little clearer for you. As I always say, you

must know the person before you can understand the person,

truly learn from the person, or ever be able to lead the person.

Yes, I know I said person a LOT, which is another critical

component of my leadership philosophy ... as leaders, we

are in the PEOPLE business, plain and simple!

So, why I lead...

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My Personal Core Values

You have personal core values, right? What are

personal core values? Well, for me, they are Faith | Family

| Service and I live those out through Integrity, Love,

Courage and Discipline; with Passion | Trust | Legacy. I

was a little perplexed on where the placement of my “why”

and my personal values section for this book should be,

because they are so closely related; however, in the end I

chose to talk about values first.

I believe your values are so engrained into your being

that they cannot be easily changed, and they are key in

developing your “why”. However, before we proceed, I

would like to walk you through my personal core values, so

that you can gain a deeper understanding of who I really am,

and it may serve as a good template for you to formulate and

record your core values, if you have not yet tackled that.

FAITH

Let us start with my faith. My faith (does not matter

the exact type, but I am a Christian) is center to everything

that I do as a man, husband, father, and leader. It is my moral

compass and it is my source of energy and clarity.

FAMILY

Family is extremely important to me, and they must

come first in my life and decisions. I frequently tell our

Airmen to NEVER sell out their family to chase a stripe! I

have never had to do that, and I made it to the top of our

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enlisted grade...just do not let “them” pull the wool over

your eyes.

SERVICE

My third core value of service is most likely self-

explanatory, but I would like to highlight a couple of things.

Service is unforgiving and requires sacrifice. I serve my

God, my family and those I lead. Service is often flippantly

tossed about as if it is so easy to do, like as easy as it is to

breathe or sleep. It is not. Anyone who is called to serve

will go the full distance with you, and even when they

themselves can no longer go; they figure out how/find

another gear anyway...it is called GRIT!

Integrity, love, courage and discipline are my mantra,

and how I fulfill my personal core values.

INTEGRITY

Integrity should be easy to comprehend and

understood. If you cannot be true to your word, action or

thoughts, then no one will follow you.

LOVE

Love is above all. It does not matter if I move the

heavens and Earth; it will not matter if I do it without love.

Love is patient, kind, longsuffering, forgiving and

everlasting. Love does not choose one over another based

on anything outside of merit, character or performance!

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COURAGE

We all get scared, and I am no different. The thing

that separates most good leaders from the great ones is

courage. Courage is the action of standing up and moving

forward in the face of fear.

DISCIPLINE

All of these are held tightly together through and by

discipline. We must have discipline of the body and mind,

less we fall victim to the temptations of the selfish nature

most humans struggle with.

My “WHY” ... The Vital Component

My Why Statement:

I Create A Remarkable Experience (CARE) so that others

know that they are valued, that they matter, and that they

can achieve their full potential, even if they can’t see that

potential in themselves.

This is my “why” which took me a few years to

formulate. It is not that I was intentionally dragging my feet;

it was just that I was not intentional about understanding my

“why”. I had no idea why it was so important to understand my “why” and it wasn’t until I read Start With Why by Simon Sinek that I realized that I did not have a “why” or at least I did not know what it was and that I was leading and living far below my potential.

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See, in many of our professions and especially in the

Air Force, we are not mentored or even coached (at least not

holistically) on the importance of understanding our “why”

and how vital it is in developing, refining and enhancing our

leadership potential and effectiveness.

Once I read Simon’s book Start with Why, I knew

that I had to dig in and figure out my “why”. I understood

that if I wanted a limitless leadership potential that would

allow me to impact and inspire other people to reach their

maximum potential, then I would have to figure out why I

was here, on Earth. Per the guidance contained within

Simon’s book, and my own personal objectives, I broke it

down into the following parts.

I wanted to understand why I breathed air and why

anyone would care. I know that sounds dark, but just stay

with me here. During my self-reflection, attempting to find

my “why” I also had to come to grips with my early

childhood scars, my emotional scars. No, this is not a book

on psychology, nor am I pretending to be a doctor of any

type; however, I know from experience that if you really

want to maximize your potential as a leader, then you have

to deal with any scars that you may have.

effective at leading others.

I had to deal with my scars in order to figure out my

“why” because my scars were holding me back. This book is not about my scars, but I do bring it up here because of its criticality in my leadership journey. I was abused emotionally and physically in my early childhood, and it

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shaped my character and responses in my adult life. As an

example, I was void of any real empathy, compassion, or

love in my leadership style. I had not been raised with or

even shown those critical and basic human traits, and it

reflected negatively in my leadership. I was not aware that I

was capable or even that it was necessary to lead with

empathy, love and grace.

Once I was able to overcome my early childhood

scars, I began to understand my “why”, why I was here on

Earth and what my purpose was and is. My “why” statement

is above at the beginning of the chapter, but I want you to

understand that it did not happen overnight. Our journey as

humans is not one of instant gratifications and pixie dust

make believe. It is chocked full of opportunities (which often

look like obstacles), real grief, sorrow, sacrifice, a LOT of

work, disappointment, love, humility, inspiration, friends

and you get the idea.

There is NO easy answer for life or the application of

leadership, it takes work and you do not ever need to forget

that! Remember, I said the concept of leadership is easy, not

the application. This was a two-year journey for me (may be

shorter or longer for you) before I felt in harmony with my

“why”. I know that I sped through my story and only shared very generalized facts regarding my very troubled beginnings. I am not making light of its importance, it is just that this book is not about going into the details of my life; however, you (the reader) must understand that uncovering

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your “why” and dealing with your scars can be a very long

and painful process.

Once I was synced with my “why” I really felt my

leadership effectiveness start improving! I was fully aware

of and committed to making those around me better! My

heart on leadership (in its simplest form) has always been

about helping others be and do better, which marries

perfectly with my “why”. Please listen to my advice here.

If you do not know your “why” then how can you possibly

be effective at leading others to reach their maximum

potential and preparing them to replace you? Simply put,

you cannot.

So, you may ask, “how does your “why” and dealing

with your scars really play into all of this?” Good question

and I think it is best if I utilize my personal example to

answer this. See, my scars were those of bitterness, anger,

malice, hate and rage, which came out through my

leadership and negatively affected everyone around me. I

was not building them up, I was not helping them, I was not

intent on helping them become better people, I was not

inspiring them ... I was NOT leading them! I was a selfish

angry person who could not tell you why I was here on Earth,

other than for selfish objectives. Once I was able to deal

with and overcome my scars, I was able to meet people

where they were and really empathize with them. I could

show compassion and treat them with love, showing them

grace in their mistakes; and I could want better for them,

because I wanted better for myself. Then, came the “why”.

There it was! I had dealt with and overcome my

scars, and I had my “why”! Now, the only thing left to do

was to get out there on my journey and lead. As I started to

approach people in this manner, I began to feel like I was

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actually doing what John Q. Adams so famously said, “If

your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do

more and become more, you are a leader”. I felt that

through my actions, I was truly inspiring others and those

that I was responsible to lead, guide, mentor and inspire

began to affirm me as a leader!

*I realize that every individual that has scars, must come

to terms with those scars on their own timetable and/or

under the care of a medical professional.

This Journey Requires Boots & Mentors

My leadership journey is a long one that has required

mental toughness, courage and endurance...I needed a

"BOOT" mentality. Boot mentality? Yes, you read that right; I needed boots for this journey, not slippers! More to follow on this in the following chapters; and I think about my leadership journey like a hike, a long hike up a treacherous mountain. There have been plenty of obstacles (opportunities to excel) in my path, and it was and is not an easy climb! I use the present tense, because I am still climbing this mountain! Many "leaders" are those that simply occupy a leadership position but are not real leaders and they always waiver on their climb. They are known as the lazy fairies (Laissez-Faire), the slipper wearers who do not have what it takes (or refuse to do what it takes) to be a real leader. I refused to be a slipper-wearing leader, or a “fake it until I made it” leader. Let me jump in the rabbit hole on this one. You cannot “fake it until you make it”

because you are the only one that is being faked!!

EVERYONE else will know or at least will find out real

soon that you are a fake. They are always watching...

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I wanted to be a legend! I wanted to be the leader

that made a true and lasting impact on those I was entrusted

to lead. I wanted to be in their stories, you know, the stories

they tell when we are not around. Oh, man! I hope you

already knew that they talk about you!! I did not want it as

praise and I knew that I would never hear it (it is about them,

not me). However, one day I imagine them standing at a

podium speaking to a crowd of Airmen and for them to say,

“Let me tell you about a real supervisor and leader, let me tell you about Sgt Vaden...” As I said, not for my glory, but that would have meant that, I had a major impact on their life. Who will you be in their stories? Leadership, like a long grueling hike, is NOT for the faint of heart leaders. It takes a legend to provide real leadership, leadership that inspires, and I wanted to be a legend. Therefore, I laced up my boots years ago and got out there on my journey to INSPIRE others. No, the trail has not been easy; in fact, it has been downright hard, a LOT! Nevertheless, that is how you know it is worth it! I have learned a lot on my journey and yes, I know I have more to learn; but I wanted to take a five-minute break on this journey to share with you what I have learned up to this point. There is absolutely no need for you to have to walk through the same struggles. I need you; “they” need you to be well prepared, energized and mentored to take this journey further than I will ever be able to make it...you are the future! I had dealt with my scars, figured out my “why”, but there was still something amiss. I continuously wondered what it was that was missing. Then seemingly, out of nowhere it hit me! I did not have someone that I trusted that would give me advice on this journey, but more than just that, I needed someone to walk with me. See, that is what

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mentorship is and more on that in future chapters. I started

to cultivate relationships with people that I knew would not

only guide me in the right direction, walk the journey with

me on the difficult parts, but who would also tell me when

to blaze my own trail.

I would like to call out my life mentors here:

J. W. Perkins (my wife’s grandpa and first true father figure

that cared about me), Mark Anderson (USAF MSgt ret),

Rick Barnett (pastor), Scott Wolverton (men’s ministry

leader in Bossier City, LA & Fire Chief of Shreveport LA),

John Eunice (USAF Col ret), Brian Duffy (USAF Col ret),

and Michael Francis (USAF Lt Col).

There have been HUNDREDS of others that helped me in

my career and in great ways, but those listed above are truly

the ones that kept me from failing to a point beyond

recovery. Thanks heroes!

I lead to make people better, looking for the positives, and

the potential in people!

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Key Takeaways

I think you get the strategic picture here. To be a

highly effective leader, you must know your “why” and deal

with any emotional scars that are holding you back (if you

indeed do have scars). As we stated, make sure to speak to

medical professionals as applicable when you are working

through any emotional scars, and to be 100% true with

yourself. Also, remember that this journey, a real legendary

leadership journey is not for the faint of heart. It requires

durable footgear, a boot mentality. So, lace up those boots,

leave your slippers at home and Let’s Get IT!

• KNOW and stay true to your personal values
• Deal with / overcome your emotional scars
• Find your “WHY”
• Lace up your BOOTS for the journey
• Find a mentor(s)

Reflective Questions:

1. What are your personal values and “why” and have

you shared those with anyone else?

2. Do you have any emotional scars to overcome?

3. Do you have any mentors?

Next up is the “interlude” and then the following

chapters are where we will truly get into the simple, yet

practical steps (I call them waypoints) that I really believe

will help you on your journey. Let’s Get IT!

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Lead Them Well

As promised legends yes, start speaking and acting it

into existence, because you are the only one who can

determine if you do what it takes to be a legend! It will take

a LOT of work, blood, sweat, tears, sacrifice, humility and

... well, you get the idea, but it will happen. This is the part

of the book where we will get into the weeds so to speak, of

the “how to” of the book. These are the chapters, if applied

correctly to your individual personality, character traits and

situation will benefit you and most importantly, those that

you lead!

Again, I do not claim to have all the answers, and

most of the following waypoints are straight from me, not

cultivated from another author or point of view. As stated

before, I have a tremendous amount of respect from other

leaders; however, they did not walk this journey, I did. I have

walked this journey, so I figured that to be the best way to

share it...from my own words. I have included a couple of

amplifying points from a couple of my close friends that I

hold in high regard as powerhouse legendary leaders, and I

included them because I know they will really impact you!

tears, sacrifice, and humility.

Chapter three includes eight waypoints (critical

points along the trail) that I believe leaders are most likely to

encounter (I know I sure did), and they are derived from my

monthly “Leadership Minutes” and “Real Talk” episodes. I

have intentionally kept the waypoints short enough for you

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to be able to use to help your teams (cut them out and post

them on a wall or whatever) yet long enough to still provide

enough depth for understanding on the topic. Bottom line, I

wanted them to be “bite-size” pieces that are easy to

consume, understand and apply. Well, that is more than

enough chitchat; let us get to those waypoints already!

Waypoints

• Reaching Your Peak Potential with

• Attitude of Gratitude

• Circle of Influence & Mentorship

• Addressing Toxic Behavior

• Crucial Conversations

• Pursue Excellence

• Developing Inclusive Leaders

• Becoming a Legend | BOOT Leadership

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Reaching Your Peak Potential

With the Failsafe Formula of: Authenticity + Vulnerability

+ Transparency = Credibility

Via the Leadership Philosophy of Passion | Trust | Legacy

... implemented with CARE

“There are no secrets to success: Don’t waste time looking for them. Success is the result of perfection, hard work, learning from failure, loyalty to those for whom you work with and for, and persistence”. ~General (ret) Colin Powell

Opening Thoughts

I think that most of us can agree that leadership’s

foundation must be trust. Without trust, then you will never

achieve much, and you will not be capable of truly leading

people. I also submit to you that without trust, we really

cannot hope to be revered as credible. So, how do we build

trust? Great question, and the rest of this book will highlight

this in the opening waypoint, on building and reinforcing

trust

through

authenticity,

transparency,

and

vulnerability.

Reaching and maintaining your peak performance

requires a combination of passion, focus, commitment,

patience, and perseverance, which will ultimately lead to

success in leadership and honestly, in whatever you do.

However, not so fast legends! We must take a closer look at

how we get to credibility, but first let’s throw in a freebie on

how to reach your peak performance (yes, I know it sounds

like a play on words, but...just hold your judgement until

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you have read it)! Some of this also compliments our earlier

discussions.

REACH YOUR PEAK PERFORMANCE BY...

Keep an A+ Attitude

The overall attitude of the people and the atmosphere

of your work center is generally a reflection of the attitude

of its leadership. In order to perform your best, manage

conflict, deal with adversity, and take care of your people;

you must develop, maintain, and exude a positive attitude...it

is contagious! You need an attitude of gratitude (more on

that in the next chapter) and as my good friend Crystal Harris

would say, “Your attitude determines your altitude!”

Find a Mentor

Good mentors can provide you with the advice,

guidance, candid feedback, and global perspective you need

to progress personally and professionally. Choose wisely,

only look for mentors that you trust, not the ones that are just

where you want to be. Listen, there are a LOT of people out

there that are claiming to “mentor” others, but that is simply

not true. Based on my experience, I have only seen a handful

of people that truly mentor others. So, when you are

choosing a mentor (maybe better stated a coach) make sure

that it is someone that you truly respect, based on their

personal core values and not just what they have

accomplished. Trust me, when someone does not have the

same or at least personal values that compliment yours, their

advice will be, at best, hard to follow. We are all motivated

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and inspired based on our core values, so when they do not

align, it is difficult!

Take on the Tough Jobs

(the ones that everyone else is running from or shirking)

Tough assignments allow you to exercise your

“leadership muscle” and sharpen your professional skills. You must have the courage and confidence to step up to any assignment that will challenge your leadership ability. These tough jobs often lead to positive results and recognition as well as create roadmaps and confidence for future critical assignments. How many times have you heard someone say, “It is all about opportunities and timing”? Well, opportunities often show up looking like obstacles or challenges, and the time is NOW to lace up your boots and get after it! I have NEVER taken on a tough job (that no one else wanted) and been sorry that I did. In fact, it has ALWAYS been the opposite! I have grown so much and multiplied my confidence through these tough jobs; and honestly, that is why it is called “blazing your own trail”!

Be a Lifelong Learner

To operate at your peak performance, you must be

well versed in both the technical and professional aspects of

your job. Read as much as you can about your primary duty

requirements and become a student of leadership. I challenge

you to read and listen to books, watch videos, listen to

podcasts on leadership and other topics that you are both in

agreement for and against, it really helps broaden your

perspective. Try this, as a starter to exposing yourself to

opposing viewpoints. Watch ALL the main news outlets,

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not just your preferred choice. Oh yeah, it will work! Gain

insight on different tactics and procedures, because it will

pay dividends for you in the end! Reaching your peak

performance is about the journey not the destination.

Theoretically, you will never get to a point where you have

learned enough, so continue to seek knowledge and improve

your capacity and value through education and experience

(there is no substitute for experience, trust me!). The

opportunities to learn are limitless! Remember, this is not an

instantaneous thing so do not waste time looking for the

“quick fix” ... embrace the journey!

Authenticity

What comes to mind when you see or hear the word

authenticity? How about what comes to mind when you see

it written or hear someone say, “authentic leadership”?

Well, most of the people that I have talked to about this, and

that has been a LOT, say that they really do not know what

it means. Most will seemingly default to saying, “well, just

be yourself!” However, it must be more than that. Right? Of

course, there is more to it than that, and I will tell you that it

also does not mean be yourself exclusively, especially if you

have areas that you need to refine; because face it, some

people do not need to be themselves and lead people! Yeah,

I know you know the type I am talking about here

If we were to look up what the definition of

authenticity is/means, we would find that it means (in the

simplest form) to not “copy and paste” anyone else. You

must be true to your values and beliefs and not be swayed by

what is popular now. However, wait... What does that mean

when you try to apply it to leadership? What is authentic

leadership? Well, it is quite simple really, it is applying your

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values (remember we talked about that in part one) to your

leadership philosophy. It does not mean that you read this

or any other book and try to regurgitate it in your leadership

journey. Why? Because, you will most likely fail at being

perceived as authentic. Remember, this book is a trail guide,

a road map, not a direct order or compliance narrative. Now,

if your values are the same as mine and you are my clone,

then you may be ok with “copy and pasting” here; but

everyone else has to apply in accordance with their own

personal values...otherwise, it will not be authentic.

Maybe I should go a little more in depth. Imagine,

heck you may have even seen it play out like this, where you

are in a human resource department. Your boss, manager,

or that person who is responsible for your wellbeing (as it

applies to the work environment) and supervision is a mild-

mannered person who is relatively a quiet spoken leader.

Now, let’s say they decide to read a book on leadership; and

they pick up a book written by a US Navy SEAL (yeah, you

know the ones that are super warriors). Then they return to

work the following week and immediately try to apply the

leadership philosophy that the SEAL team leader used in

their endeavors, which was taking care of our nation’s

business on the battlefield. See, as it turns out, the HR

department does not take to kindly to the boss walking in and

saying, “Team, listen up! You are all F’d up! Go un-F

yourself!” You and your colleagues would NOT see this

boss as authentic. You all may see them as something that

starts with an “A”, but NOT authentic!

That is what I am getting at here. Do NOT blindly

apply leadership philosophies without first melding them

with your personality traits, core personal values and the

team you are leading. The boss in our previous example

failed at all those aspects. I submit that you too (like the rest

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of us) have failed in a very similar way. No? Ask your team

or previous teams, and I bet they may have a different story

to tell you versus the one that is in your ‘ole memory bank

right now. Listen, we all do it. Do not run from it, just face

it head on and stop doing it. Simply be authentic. I have a

couple of sub areas that I believe will help you. Now, these

are my personal leadership route legs (ties to a waypoint if

you are not familiar with hiking), but they may work for you

too. Just remember to cross check with your personality,

core personal values and your team dynamics.

Passion

I must do everything with passion! If you do not

have passion for something, then why are you doing it? As

leaders, we must be inspirational, and if we do not have

passion, we will NOT inspire others to follow us. Remember

the “why” we discussed earlier? Well, if you do not have

your why, then you can forget obtaining your maximum

passion levels. Figure out your “why” and lead with

passion!

Trust

It is the foundation of leadership, and I cannot

overstate the importance of trust. We must trust each other,

and when we do not trust those around us, we are at a much

higher probability of failing. We will fail ourselves, those

around us, and whatever our mission or job is. We build trust

by being credible and approachable. What makes you trust

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someone? At a minimum, you need to be that type of person

(unless your idea and comfort level of trust goes against the

organization’s values). Remember, trust is so easily lost

through careless actions or words, so do NOT fake it! We

already debunked the “fake it until you make it” myth.

CARE

Care stands for Create A Remarkable Experience and

is an extraordinarily simple way of life for you as a leader!

In a world full of leadership philosophies, this is the one,

even though simplistic, it will be the most effective

leadership action that drives results. Yes, it really is that

simple. Listen, as leaders we must provide our followers

more than just lip service. We must be leaders of action that

guide, coach, mentor and inspire our teams and

organizations to excellence.

Real leadership takes action and the “C” in care is

just that, a call to action. Leaders create the environment and

they set the conditions in which their teams and

organizations are capable to flourish. Leaders MUST create

this positive and safe environment, and they cannot wait on

someone else to do it. If you wait, you fail in this arena.

What is a remarkable experience anyway? Well, there are

undoubtedly many definitions of what constitutes a

remarkable experience; however, for the sake of our

discussion here, a remarkable experience is a positive

experience that a follower should have regarding an action

that the leader has taken.

Think of it this way; try to remember a time that

someone else actually cared about you, your life, your

family, your goals and your career and was not simply there

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to pay you lip service and “check the leadership boxes”. You

probably felt like they were concerned about you and your

opportunities at achieving your goals and success. You also

most likely recognized that they were more interested in

adding value to your life versus gaining anything for

themselves; in a word, they were selfless! That is exactly

what the CARE principle is about, adding value to other’s

lives, versus your own.

Authenticity is about adding value to the lives of

those you lead. It is about leading with your values, never

accepting anything less than your very best. It is about you

slowing down and stop checking boxes and to start (or

continue) creating relationships with people. It is about

preparing others to take your place, and then empowering

them to take it! It is about being the same person on the job

as you are when you are hanging out with your family or

friends. I often say if you have seen Caleb, then you have

seen Chief Vaden and visa-versa.

Vulnerability

You must be vulnerable, if you ever desire to be a

legendary leader. Most people do not connect with leaders

who are not vulnerable, because those leaders are not seen

as approachable. Now, very seldom do these same people

who do connect with leaders describe that leader as

vulnerable, but they are vulnerable, nonetheless. Honestly,

most people describe them as very transparent and “real”.

That is true, and we will cover transparency here in a little

bit, but we can never reach any notable level of transparency

if we are not first vulnerable.

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What comes to mind when you read or hear the word

vulnerable? Most people think “weakness”; however, I

submit to you that it takes courage to be a vulnerable leader.

Otherwise you risk the perception that you are a robot, or

superhuman and that you are never wrong. That is not only

NOT inspiring (people cannot see themselves in you and/or

your position if they always must “have it together” or must

be perfect) it is a turnoff. People do not want to follow

leaders that are always right. Let us put it this way, if people

cannot see themselves in you or the organization, they will

not be inspired by you. If you are not real, then you are not

inspiring. You may think you are, but you are not. Brené

Brown talks about vulnerability and she does it much more

justice than I can, so check out her book dare to lead and her

TED talk on the subject.

To be vulnerable, you must be very confident in your

personal values, your beliefs, and your life position. You

must be willing to have open conversation and be receptive

to constructive criticism. Remember our “why” discussion?

Well, this is exactly in line with that. If you know why you

are here on Earth, and if any part of it is to lead, then it is

highly probable that you will be more open to the idea of

being vulnerable. May I share something with you? The

largest leap in my leadership effectiveness (not that I am

claiming to have achieved any real leadership milestone)

happened in 2013 at Kadena Air Base Japan; and I am fully

convinced that it is because this is when I decided to be

vulnerable with my team. I also submit to you that

exercising vulnerability will create the biggest leap for any

leader!

I will not go into my life story, but as a reminder of

what I shared earlier, just to provide you with some

situational awareness. I endured abuse as a child, from the

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hands of my father, amongst some other horrible situations

that I was exposed to in my early childhood. I was ashamed

of where I was from; and I was ashamed of what my father

had done to others and me. I thought that others would place

his guilt and “sins” on my head, as if I was destined to repeat

the same things.

Finally, during one of our resiliency stand-down

days, I shared a portion of my story and my struggles. Here

I was, a Master Sergeant, sharing my story with our entire

team, from the newest / junior Airman, up. I gathered

everyone up in the breakroom, stated what I wanted to share

with them and why (my purpose / heart / reason) and then I

kicked us off. I shared what I feared, what I struggled with,

what I wanted out of life, and I shared about the times when

I was not even sure that I wanted to live, as a young teen. I

finally said, “This is me; this is Caleb, this is who is behind

this uniform.

I had originally expected for some of the team to

write me off and think of me as weak. Now some may have,

but I never knew about it and no one ever voiced or did

anything to lead me to believe they felt that way. All they

ever did was support me, and they started to share their

stories too. We instantly began to grow stronger as a team

that day and we all had a newfound respect for each other,

because we started to realize that we ALL go through

“things”. I had shared some of my deepest secrets and fears, and it sparked sharing and growth for our team, and in turn I felt a HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders. That is an example of what leadership vulnerability means to me... I should also state that you must know yourself, and what you are comfortable sharing. You may not be comfortable enough to share your entire story (yet) but keep

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working with your team and share the portions of your story

that both you and your team can handle. Always keep it

professional and clearly state your purpose. Once you state

your purpose for sharing, it will assist your team in

becoming ready to listen / hear / learn from you.

Additionally, being vulnerable does not always mean

sharing your story. Sometimes it is as simple as admitting

you are wrong...

A challenge

I challenge you to consider what vulnerability means to you

and how you can show a little bit as a leader. Remember,

no one really likes a superhero that they cannot see

themselves in. Lead on!

Transparency

To see through, right? Absolutely! Some of you are

probably saying, come on now Caleb... Do not worry; I will

walk you through this and it really is simple. While this

concept is simple, I must warn you to apply with caution.

You must not lead with such transparency, that you end up

sharing information that is personal or sensitive in nature. I

know that it is highly probable that you have been in an

organization where you were like, “Why do we do it that

way? Why did they get the promotion or award, when I know

I am better than them?” Right? Well, if you have, then lean

in and listen so you do not repeat that same leadership

mistake that creates the environment that spawns those

questions.

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My friend Brian Kruzelnick says that transparency

and trust are on a sliding scale, and you must adjust as

applicable for desired results, depending on your team. I

agree with his concept, and that is where I want to drop in on

the transparency concept. Honestly, transparency really does

not work without a high level of vulnerability!

As a leader, you must create a certain level of

transparency so that your team can “see” for themselves

what is going on. Now, I cannot possibly explain or give an

example for every potential scenario that would be

applicable across every type of organization; however, I

think I have a decent illustration that will help you grasp this

concept, an award process.

Let us pretend that we are in an organization that has

an awards process to recognize its employees and you are

the owner or primary office of responsibility for this awards

process. I advise you to slide the scales all the way over to

fully transparent. If you rely on trust, then go ahead and

expect that your team will start formulating opinions like the

ones we used earlier...I guarantee it! Following my advice,

I suggest that every level within this process be fully visible

to the entire organization; and solicit feedback from them

periodically to see if there are any improvement areas in

which to make it fairer and more equitable for every

employee.

Now, following my friend’s scale approach, you

could indeed slide the transparency back towards trust over

time, as your team will have seen and trust that the process

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is fair and equitable to every employee. They trust that you

will objectively follow the agreed upon process for all

subsequent award nominations. However, why? Why slide

it back towards trust? Some may say that in order to

maintain transparency it takes additional work. Well, that

may be true; however, I believe that the benefits abundantly

outweigh the cost. Why? Because every time we introduce

a new member to the team, in theory, we should slide the

scale back (as team inevitably revisits the team building

process). So, I say leave it wide open! Yes, I know this was

an easy example, but I believe that it gives you a good idea

of how you can choose to move from transparency to trust

and visa-versa.

How about when it comes to you at the personal

level, and how it pertains to your leadership abilities and

effectiveness? What level of transparency should leaders

lead with? These are questions I often receive at my

leadership presentations. I say lead with a level of

transparency that you are comfortable with, until you have

had a chance to establish a better rapport and relationships

with your team. You do not want to seem robotic as a leader,

but you also may not be comfortable with sharing your entire

life story, yet. Oh wait, I just remembered... Seems like we

talked about this already. Yes, we did, when I discussed our

scars!

I find it incredibly helpful when I share my story with

people. Now, I do not share it when I first meet the team,

but over time, I share more and more as they get more and

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more comfortable with me. It is important for those we lead

to understand that we are human too! It also helps tear down

those invisible barriers that mysteriously exist in most

organizations, between the leaders and their teams. If you

want to connect with your team, you must be transparent.

When you make a mistake, own it. Do not blame it on

anything, nothing at all, just own it!

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Key Takeaways

Leadership is not easy, but you can reach your

maximum potential by following my simple formula of

(Authenticity + Vulnerability + Transparency = Credibility).

Now, we did not discuss credibility, because I am positive

that you are fully up to speed on what credibility is and

means as a leader. We cannot afford to lose our credibility

and this chapter was all about how to build impenetrable

credibility. We must care about our teams at the personal

level, be willing to share who we really are to our teams, and

to be transparent with them to build an infallible trust, which

leads to the credible leader that anyone will follow! Time

for another quick self-assessment. Where are you regarding

what we covered here? You do not have to know exactly

where you are before moving on to the next chapter;

however, you will need to know before you can hope to

move the needle on your leadership potential and/or

effectiveness.

• Be an authentic person and leader with
• Passion
• Trust
• And CARE about those you lead
• Have the courage to be vulnerable
• Be transparent in your leadership

Reflective Questions:

1. Are you authentic, and how can you prove it?

2. Are you vulnerable?

• In what ways are you transparent in your

endeavors?

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Grab you a five-minute break but let us stay on the

trail and prepare for the next waypoint. We will be

discussing why it is important to have an attitude of gratitude

and a special appearance and wisdom from another legend

on how to be happy when you are not happy with your

situation. Let me level with you; sometimes as leaders we

are NOT happy with where we are or the team we must lead.

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Attitude of Gratitude

How to be Happy When You are not Happy in Your

Current Situation

Featuring the Legendary Leader, Crystal Harris

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

~ Maya Angelou

Opening Thoughts

How many of us truly are grateful or have an attitude

of gratitude? I submit to you that it is not nearly as many as

it should be! Most of us go through life looking. We are

looking for the quickest, easiest way to the “top”, an easy

fix, and instant gratification, to obtain the next great gadget,

or get what the “Jones’” have. On our journey as leaders,

there will be plenty of opportunities (remember, they will

look like obstacles) and there will be highs and lows. What

keeps you going during those low times? While you may

not yet agree, I submit that maintaining an attitude of

gratitude will go a LONG way to ensuring that you do not

go too low nor stay there too long.

We will focus in first on this idea of having and

maintaining an attitude of gratitude, then we will take an in-

depth look at how to use that mindset to be happy when you

are not happy with your situation or environment. Think of

it like this, first we will set the stage and then we will walk

through a case study using COVID-19 as a backdrop

environment. We will also be blessed by the words of my

friend Crystal as she has a lot of wisdom to share regarding

this topic!

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Attitude of Gratitude

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them”

~ John F. Kennedy

How many of us are truly grateful, or have a genuine

attitude of gratitude? You may have seen this infographic

before (courtesy, google images); however, I have to say that

I agree 100%!

Now, you may or may not agree with the infographic,

but I encourage you to read between the lines and apply it to

the portion(s) of your life that you think, “suck”. How many

times have you either said one of those phrases or heard it

said, and agreed? My guess is this has probably happened a

lot. Nevertheless, our lives are great! Yes, there are times

when we go through some hard or bad times, but those are

very seldom (my estimation is less than 10%) lifelong

endurances.

Many could agree that we all have recently gone

through some difficulties of one type or another and many

may be attributed to COVID-19; and many of us may be

tempted to fall into the trap of “everything sucks”. However,

I implore you, do NOT do that! Most of the things in our

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life that we think are horrible, simply aren’t; most of the time

we complicate it by trying to face it all on our own, which

almost always leads us to interpreting our issues much worse

than what they really are. Unfortunately, many times our

issues, when faced alone, seem overwhelming to us. Do

NOT enter the dark valley on your own! If you feel yourself

slipping into that dark valley, reach out to your family,

friends, heck even strangers. I have been in the valley

before, and that is NOT somewhere you want to be alone; it

will most likely become overwhelming to the point of total

despair.

I challenge everyone to self-reflect and think about

your life, and all the GREAT things in it. You may just need

to change your perspective! I have found that many times

when we look for the positives in our situations, we tend to

find them; and when we can’t, we really should talk to our

close circle of friends (more on that later) because they will

be able to see the situation from a whole new perspective.

This new perspective may be all you need to refocus on the

positives. Then, I want you to be just a little bit vulnerable

and share some or all the positive aspects of your life with

those around you. Why? Well, it is sort of, what the 35th

President of these United States told us to do, “Live by your

words.” Gratitude is also very contagious, and it is FREE!

So, what is your excuse for not taking advantage of this

FREE GREATNESS?

Applying the “Attitude of Gratitude” Mindset

As previously stated, this is the section where Crystal

and I collaborated on this very topic, and used it to inspire

people across the globe, during the first month that the

United States was on “lockdown” for COVID-19. We both

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had a “5-step” approach, and they are intermingled

throughout this section to allow for flow and understanding.

We wanted to provide advice and inspire those that were out

of their normal routines, and many of them, for the first time!

How do you stay happy or positive during difficult times,

when you are not happy about what is going on, or your

conditions? Well, I believe that the following paragraphs

will really help answer that question and serve as a case

study to help you understand the importance of having and

maintain an attitude of gratitude!

You MUST Maintain Situational Awareness

Knowing what you can and cannot control brings

freedom to a weary, tired and unhappy soul. Face it, your

situation might suck; but you need to focus on what you can

control. My time in the military has taught me a LOT in this

arena, and to just stay calm when it all goes to hell. Orient

yourself to the situation at hand and observe everything that

is going on (I mean EVERYTHING). Calmly assess based

on your basic human senses; then and only then should you

decide on an action. Look at our current COVID-19

situation, what is going on, what should we (you) be doing,

and what areas do we control? Knowing what you can

control is essential to your happiness and incredibly freeing!

When you are free from the worry, dread and fear of the

things you cannot control; you are better prepared and

energized to focus on those things you can control.

You Have the POWER of Choice

We always have a choice on how we respond. What

will your choice be? Will you fold under pressure and/or

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unhappiness, or will you remember your first step that there

are some things that you can control? Do not let your mind

be stuck on the repeat cycle of worrying about what you do

not know and/or cannot control. You NEED to stay in

control and that is purely a choice...your choice. Do not

complain! That is another choice. As an example: How do

you typically choose to respond when a driver cuts you off

in traffic? Most of us are so easily angered by this, and some

even go into a rage. What does that type of choice gain us?

NOTHING but bitterness (probably because we could not

catch up and “discuss” the infraction) embarrassment

(because of how we acted) or worse, it becomes rage. So,

something that lasts a mere second or two, ends up

controlling so much more, because of our choice... choose

wisely! Choose to look for the positives in your situation.

We already know you cannot control some things, so do

NOT waste your time and emotional capital by focusing on

them, but rather focus on those aspects of the situation that

can be turned into a positive experience. Our attitudes are

critical in situations where we are not happy with our

circumstances. Are you making the choice to grow, evolve

and/or even share with those around you?

Give of Your Talents (Crystal)

I find joy in encouraging, helping and serving others.

I have learned that oftentimes, it is the small things that make

a huge difference in someone’s day. Just going the extra mile

to recognize someone for their efforts, a simple “thank you”,

or paying a compliment are things that cost nothing, yet

mean so much and always puts a smile on someone’s face.

Giving of your talents shows compassion, appreciation, and

a sense of community. What is your talent? How can we

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merge our talents for a bigger cause? Since the transition to

our new normal, I have been touched, seeing how others

have selflessly given of their talents. From sewing masks for

those who are on the front lines, to donating food supplies

and hosting virtual DJ parties to lift spirits. I am reminded of

the good that has come from this and how common interests

can still bring people together in unique ways during an

unconventional time. Sharing your knowledge and skill sets

makes everyone better. It creates bonds, fosters teamwork,

collaboration and it can have a positive influence on others.

I encourage you no matter how small you feel your gift is, to

share it with someone else. It is important and it could be

something they never will forget.

Your Attitude Determines Your Altitude

(Crystal)

Your thoughts become your reality, how you think

about things can determine the outcome so remember to be

mindful of this. Are you feeling defeated, anxious, and

afraid? You are strong, courageous and built for this! The

mind is powerful, and you are resilient. I know that you have

what it takes to get through this. Instead of focusing on what

you are not able to do now, or how your plans have been

derailed, I challenge you to remain flexible, focus on what

you can control, and what you can change. We are a family,

and, in our village, we take care of not only ourselves but

also each other. You can change your outlook, who you

associate with, your words, your efforts, your actions and the

way you treat others. Are you hanging with positive people

who motivate and push you, or negative people who

complain all the time? I am fortunate to be a part of a team

that rises to the occasion to get the job done. Change brings

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about a shift, a transformation that is inevitable. Change is

good, change is progress. How are you growing through

this? This is a time for new beginnings, new routines, honing

new strengths and remembering what is important to you.

Attitude of Gratitude

When we have and practice an attitude of gratitude,

it provides the proper perspective for any situation that we

may be facing. Listen, I know that it may seem “mushy” and

maybe even like make-believe; however, when you have

been through the things that I have been through, it is real.

We ALWAYS have something to be grateful for; you must

figure out what that is and hold onto it. Start with the obvious

and simple ones. “Am I breathing?” Yes? Great, now on to

the next one...! Make a list even, if that helps you. I know it

does not change the fact of your current situation; however,

it will help you to process the circumstances in your situation

in a more positive and productive manner. Some people do

not like the following quote, but it sheds some light on

attitudes...

“I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.”

~ Helen Keller

I’ve never just loved this quote. Mostly because even

after you meet a footless guy, you still do not have any shoes;

and the fact that someone is enduring a greater trial than the

one you are facing does not remove your trial; however, we

must take time to fully analyze it. For one, Hellen Keller

wrote it, so it MUST be full of wisdom, and secondly,

because it highlights that we are ALL going through or have

gone through something that is less than desirable.

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Take Care of Yourself (Crystal)

Taking care of yourself is vital. Prior to the recent

change, I am sure that like me, many of you were also caught

up in the daily hustle and grind of life...sometimes at the

expense of taking care of yourself. Know that it is okay to

not finish everything you had planned on your to-do list, do

not beat yourself up. If you had an amazing workout

yesterday, and today you would rather watch a new

movie...you are still taking care of yourself. We all have our

days where we need to unplug and recharge. What does that

look like for you? When times get tough, where do you find

your strength? Take the time to recognize when you are not

at your best. It is not a sign of weakness. In fact, dealing with

your emotions requires an immense amount of strength and

brings forth clarity! Recharging is necessary in order to

remain healthy. You cannot take care of others without

taking care of yourself first. Resetting looks different for

everyone. When I am facing a difficult time, I like to go for

a long run, write in my journal, or video chat with my family

and friends to ensure I am still interacting and connecting

socially. Many of us had plans to have certain things

completed by this time. Maybe it was a family vacation, your

spouse returning home from deployment, or a graduation.

Things are changing which has caused a shift in how we

must do things. This (COVID-19 countermeasures) is for our

safety in order to continue to move forward while flattening

the curve. Life is not traditional right now, but that is okay.

What was previously considered ordinary has drastically

changed. Strength is measured in different ways. Sometimes

being strong requires you to adapt and let go of things so you

can focus on taking care of yourself.

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Maintain a Good Exercise Regimen, Keep

Moving

Exercise makes everything in life a little better. Can’t

exercise? Well, I do not believe it, unless you are literally

bound or otherwise incapacitated. Otherwise, we can always

move our bodies (provided you are not bound) and elevate

our heart rate. The serotonin and endorphins that are released

when we exercise are ‘feel-good’ chemicals that boost our

moods. Now again, this does not mean that all our problems

will suddenly disappear; however, exercise does help us

cope better with almost any situation. Do not just take my

word for it though, many studies have proven that exercise

reduces, and in some cases can even prevent depression. Can

I fully explain this? No, I am not a doctor or exercise

physiologist; I just know how motivated I feel after a good

workout! So, when you are unhappy, do not be like most and

neglect physical activity! Get up and move!

Finding Your Rhythm (Crystal)

Finding my rhythm and maintaining a routine of

incorporating new habits has been extremely helpful for me

to ensure that I stay healthy, active and focused. My routine

does not look anything like it did a month or two ago, but I

am okay with that because I am safe. I found that I am

intentional about my wellness, getting up, and moving. It has

challenged me to be better, forced me to be creative and

reminded me to never take the simple things for granted. I

have time set in my routine to ensure I am exercising my

mind, body and spirit. I have also implemented “Self-care

Saturday” to do something for myself that I have been

meaning to do for some time. It could be something as small

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as giving myself a facial, doing yoga, or making my favorite

dish that my mother taught me that reminds me of home.

Finding your rhythm brings forth awareness and

mindfulness, it can prevent you from focusing on the

negative because you are busy creating new and healthy

habits. How will you leverage this pause to turn your

thoughts into actions? Do something for yourself daily that

makes you happy. Whether that is getting lost in a good

book, listening to a new podcast, or buying a new game to

play.... find joy in shaping new routines, and you may

inspire others to join you!

It is NOT Permanent

Remember that nothing lasts forever, and this too

shall pass. I am sure you have heard of the saying, “Tough

times don't last, but tough people do!” You must be tough

and have the COURAGE to fight on! What will you be left

with when it is over? Did you learn anything, or did you just

focus on all the negatives? I promise you that there is that

proverbial light at the end of the tunnel! Does it seem

nonexistent? Probably, at least at first. Just keep moving

forward and stop looking backwards! Looking backwards is

foolish and dangerous...you will just stay in an emotional

spiral. Keep moving forward. Mentally, just one foot in front

of the other...inch by inch and you will pull through! Reach

out to someone that can help you remain anchored in your

courage, strength and commitment to stay positive and get

through whatever your condition is. You will get through it

and be a STRONGER person because of it!

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Set Goals and CRUSH Them (Crystal)

How will you utilize this time? Will you come out

of this different? Take this time to better yourself. Work on

your personal and professional development. If you have

been wanting to take online courses, knock out a

certification, gain knowledge on how to invest for your

future...now is the time to do those things. Think of what

self-improvement looks like for you, your family and your

teams. Set goals and CRUSH them! Goals are a

representation of what matters to you and the sense of

accomplishment you receive when achieving them pushes

you to continue to challenge yourself. They do not have to

be complicated or boring, they can be simple. This is your

time to demonstrate how you will dominate the things within

your control. I hope that you realize your grit and take away

a different perspective in how you view things. Embrace the

beauty there is in change and continue to grow and learn.

Stay strong, stay safe and stay encouraged!

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Key Takeaways

Wow, that was a lot to consume; however, I believe

that the material was easy to read and understand and that

will help you apply it to your everyday life! Remember that

having and maintaining an attitude of gratitude is a choice,

your choice. Yes, there will be some difficult times,

assignments, jobs, locations, people and so on, but you, as a

leader, cannot afford to approach these tough situations

without gratitude. We are all lifelong learners, and we must

be thankful for the opportunity to lead and grow. Also, take

it from me, it really could be worse (in most cases) and

without my family and close friends, I am not sure I would

have made it out of some of my situations. Keep a close

circle of great friends that you trust to ensure you hold onto

that attitude of gratitude!

• Live & lead with an attitude of gratitude by
• Give of your talents
• Your attitude determines your altitude
• Take care of yourself
• Find your rhythm
• Set goals and CRUSH them
• Maintain your situational awareness
• You have the power of choice
• Maintain a good exercise regimen
• Nothing is permanent in this life

Reflective Questions:

• How do you live and lead with an attitude of

gratitude?

2. Who do you have that will hold you accountable

when you are not being grateful?

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Now that we are all operating on a full tank of

gratitude, let us prepare ourselves to talk about that “circle

of friends”. Before we head out though, take a rest and get

ready for the next leg of our journey towards our ensuing

waypoint of “mentorship and your circle of influence”. It is

important that we recognize we can go the journey alone;

however, we will not be able to go nearly as far or have

nearly the impact, if we do not invite those we trust to walk

along and help us.

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Circle of Influence & Mentorship

Find those to walk the journey with you!

Featuring Nina Choy-Rohmiller on Mentorship

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

~ African Proverb

Opening Thoughts

Theory of Five

Now I do not know which camp you are in (we are,

or are not heavily influenced by the 5 closest people) and it

is ok with whatever camp you are in; because I really want

to attack this from the perspective of what type of influencer

you are. As we attack it that way, I believe that you will in

turn assess those that have influence over you, whether they

are the “closest 5” or the “distant 5,000”. No matter how you

look at it, we can and are all influenced by something and/or

someone; and we can and do influence those around us!

I would like to take us through the five-following

people / personality types and let you determine if you are

one of these types of people (listed below). If you are not,

then I would be happy to talk to you about how you can

become one! Just hit me up and let me know that you are

interested, and we can set up a discussion, or just push

through the rest of this book. Again, it is irrelevant if you

agree with the “average of 5s” but rather more about how the

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following types of people can be an incredible positive

influence, and that is what I want each one of us to be...a

POSITIVE influence! Are you perceived as any or all of the

following? I want you to look to your left and your right,

across your entire circle and determine if you are receiving

good / positive influence. If not, do you remember a time

that you were, and what types of people were in your circle?

It may be time for a change... Then, I want you to assess

how you are influencing within all the other circles that you

are in.

Are you one of these five?

The Inspired

These people have two core beliefs. They believe in

themselves and they believe in others. Behind those two

beliefs is a lot of hard work. When they speak of their

ambitions, it is with great passion, optimism and enthusiasm.

When backed into a corner or a seemingly impossible

situation, the inspiring person will find a way out of the

situation. The inspired will also inspire you. The inspired

have a driving force inside of them that is fueled by their

core values and their “why”.

The Motivated

These people can do what needs to be done, without

influence from other people or situations. People with self-

motivation can find a reason and strength to complete a task,

even when challenging, without giving up or needing to be

encouraged. You need these types of people in your circle,

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because you will undoubtedly be influenced and inspired by

their motivation.

The Open Minded

These people have the willingness to actively search

for evidence against their own favored beliefs, plans, or

goals; and to weigh that evidence fairly when it is available.

Being open-minded does not imply that they are indecisive,

or incapable of thinking for themselves; it just means that

they are open to other ideas, and they will help you overcome

your own blind spots.

The Passionate

These people’s passion is contagious! It is hard to be

around a fiery person and not be caught up in their

excitement, even if it is about something that you have never

been interested in. Passionate people live every day with the

anticipation of great things, and they will be able to show

you how to be passionate about those things that you love

and find important.

The Grateful

These people do not expect that life is going to give

them everything they want or even deserve. They realize

that good things do not always happen to good people, and

they have foregone the notion that life “owes them”

anything. This type of person understands that humans

should never expect anything for free, and that being alive is

something to be very grateful for!

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Now, assess how you are influencing within all your

circles. Are you one of these five? Are you present in your

interactions? Analyze your intentions through a “presence

vs. proximity” lens. Many people are close (proximity) to

those around them, but are not present in their interactions,

they are just going through the motions. The previous theory

(proximity) is “mechanized leadership” or described as

“disconnected”. I know none of you reading this, want to be that type of person or leader. Focus on being a POSITIVE influence and getting away from negative people. You do not need negativity in your life!

I hope that as we discussed this theory of five, you

have been able to take a moment and reflect on your circle.

Are they for you? Do they push you, not in front of a bus,

but to be better? Listen, the world is packed FULL of haters,

and you do not need that. Do not go to the comments section

on social media and put those people with nasty responses in

your circle. Weird? Well, look around your circle...yes that

is exactly what I thought. Some can go...

As we continue on our trail here, I believe that as we

discuss our circle, we cannot help but to also discuss

mentorship; and I did tell you to get one (a mentor), which

will help you reach your peak performance. I had the

opportunity to sit down with Nina a few months back and

discuss mentorship (what that really means) since I believe

we get it wrong all the time. I often tell other Airmen that if

I took all of the EPRs and OPRs (annual evaluation reports)

and added up all of the “mentored” bullets, then we would

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not have any personnel development issues, because

everyone (theoretically) has been mentored....paper tigers

(more on that in a bit). Enough pausing on the trail let’s

move out!

Coaching vs. Mentoring

(featuring Nina Choy-Rohmiller)

What is a mentor?

• To me, a mentor is someone that is a confidant, someone

that can give you professional advice (typically career

oriented) that can help you become a better leader in your

chosen profession.

• I typically advise my staff to find a mentor that is two

levels above their current station. That way you are getting

a much broader and high-level view, and someone that has a

bit more life experience to impart.

• I have had many people and many leaders that I have

learned from in my career, but only a few that I would

consider true mentors to me. Those are the ones that I

continue to have a relationship with, and that relationship

continues to grow and evolve. Kind of like a good friend that

you have for a lifetime.

• As a leader, it is a misnomer if you think that you are a

mentor to those below you, or your direct reports. You may

be coaching them, but there is a huge difference between

coaching and mentoring.

• The relationship with a mentor is a two-way street,

whereas coaching is more of a downward type of

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relationship. As a leader and mentor, I know that the

relationship with someone that I have been coaching, has

graduated to the next step when they begin to impart

knowledge on me as well.

• A mentor is typically not someone in your chain of

command or chain of supervision. For me, a mentor is

rarely your direct supervisor. You may develop a mentorship

relationship with someone who used to be your supervisor,

but while you are both in the same chain, it is typically not

quite a true mentorship relationship. It is more of a coaching

type of relationship.

How do we nurture mentorship & mentorship

relationships?

Often, we tell our people to go find a mentor, but that is

easier said than done. Very often younger staff or Airmen

will be:

• Hesitant to approach someone to ask them if they will act

as a mentor because of the intimidation factor.

• They often may not have the life experience to seek out a

“good” mentor. You do not know what you do not know! 3. One of the obligations that we have as leaders is to make sure that we make ourselves available to our people. It is a challenge because it is ingrained in our leadership structure to not “skip your chain of command”. We may see ourselves as being available, but younger staff or troops do not necessarily see it that way. 4. We need to make it a priority to continue to communicate with our staff/troops our support for mentorship and our

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availability or create avenues for interactions with leaders

and staff/troops.

One of the things that we are instituting in our organization

is “Leadership Brown Bags”, where we have an open forum

with a chosen leadership topic that leaders in our

organization speak on. This creates transparency through

staff/troops being able to ask questions and our leadership

team addressing them. This also gives our staff/troops

insight into the leadership styles and philosophies of

different members of our leadership team, and the

opportunity to approach them.

• We need to keep an eye out for talent, and make sure that

we reach out to those promising staff/troops and match them

up or put them in touch with other leaders. We do need to

make sure that we are not creating a perceived environment

of favoritism however, where it appears, we are “cherry

picking” our successors.

• One of the things that I do is keep other leaders on my

circle, people who I respect and trust. I will often encourage

my staff to obtain other leadership perspectives and will put

them in touch with other leaders in my circle.

Nina did an excellent job of identifying the key

components of choosing a mentor; and then she instructed

us on how we should go about nurturing that mentor-mentee

relationship. Now, she provided this from more of a (you

are the mentor) however, I know that we can gain a lot from

her perspective when it comes to not only choosing our own

mentors, but also on how to be a better mentor. I also believe

that many times we are in more of a coaching relationship

that never develops into a mentorship, especially in the Air

Force! There are a few reasons as to why that happens, but

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the bottom line is for you to NOT let that happen in your

circles!

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Key Takeaways

• Strengthen your circle and find those to go the

journey with you

• The Theory of Five
• The Inspired
• The Motivated
• The Open Minded
• The Passionate
• The Grateful
• How to choose a mentor
• Trustworthy
• A step or two above where you want to be
• Does not have to be in your organization

Reflective Questions:

1. What “five” are in your circle?

• What do you see as the difference between coaching

and mentoring?

Well, that does it for this leg of the journey, and it is

time to hit the next waypoint, which is dealing with toxic

behavior, to include halting rumors! Get ready for a

treacherous part of the trail, as this waypoint is full of pitfalls

that we must avoid (or at least be aware of) as leaders,

especially since ALL our organizations have them. I will

use a case study with one of my colleagues, in order to set

the discussion stage for us.

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Addressing Toxic Behavior

Including Halting Rumors and Gossip

“It is amazing how quickly things can turn around when you remove toxic people from your life”

~ Robert Tew

Opening Thoughts

Even though it is not routinely discussed, well, it is

discussed all the time, but without context. I am sure that

you have heard these terms (toxicity, toxic leadership and

maybe even toxic followership) used before but were most

likely left wondering what “toxic leadership” really is. At

this waypoint, we will get down in the weeds with toxic

leadership, since this is a book about leadership after all! I

will point out toxic followership (toxic behavior) in the last

section, and through a case study.

We will wrap the chapter up with a case study on

rumors and gossip. This cancer has been in almost every

organization that I have been in, at least initially when I

arrived, and I am sure that you can relate. Even if you cannot

relate, I am positive that they are occurring in your

organization right now, they just may not be at a level visible

to you ... yet. We will break it into a case study, because I

think that will help you better grasp the main point I am

trying to make and provide you tools along the way on how

to halt them! All of this, at the same time I want you to

analyze how you may be a toxic leader / follower yourself.

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Toxic Leadership

Face it, toxic leaders exist in every facet of the

leadership realm, and in almost every organization on Earth.

They range across the full spectrum of positions, from

frontline supervisors to commanders (in the military) to chief

executive officers and everything in-between. Honestly all

the way to the pinnacle of our society; however, we will keep

our focus at the organizational level and below. Everyone

must recognize and challenge toxic leadership, because it

goes against every fiber of true leadership values,

destabilizes good order and discipline, corrupts the

organization from the inside out and is an opposition to a

healthy organizational climate.

What does toxic leadership look like though? Toxic

leadership comes in many forms; and while some people are

clearly toxic leaders, others walk a fine line between a

directive style and being toxic. These are recognizable;

however, they are often the most difficult to address or

remove, because they hover so close to the “well, it is within

my limits or authority”.

On one hand, there is the exaggerated egotistical,

tyrannical leader who threatens, controls and will never

admit their faults. On the other hand, there is the front line

supervisor who does not encourage their teammates to reach

their full potential, and the supervisor simply does not create

an environment where their team feels like they can or even

want to contribute to the overall task objectives.

Some people are overly directive, aggressive or may

even be obsessive compulsive, which makes them

susceptible to demonstrating toxic leadership behaviors,

especially when they are in a position of power or authority

(in my experience). Regrettably, these types of leaders act

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and make decisions to benefit themselves or those who they

feel “measure up”, not for the betterment or fulfillment of

their entire team. Most toxic leaders are disrespectful to

those they lead; and they ensure that they create a negative

environment of manipulation and fear to keep those under

their authority, “in-line” or wherever they want them to be.

Many times, to an outsider (one who is not in the

organization) a work center ruled by a toxic leader may

appear to be effective, simply because tasks or missions are

completed, and deadlines met. However, in the long turn,

toxic leadership rots away the discipline, purpose and

motivation of our greatest resource, the people that power

our organizations! This will undoubtedly place the

organization’s goals and mission success in jeopardy; and

more importantly, it hurts our people.

Under toxic leadership, people do not complete tasks

because they are empowered, motivated or inspired too; they

complete the tasks (and albeit at a much lower quality and

efficiency) because it is what they are told to do and because

they fear being ostracized and or retaliated against if they do

not comply. Most of the time toxic leaders do not perceive

themselves as the problem; in their eyes, their behavior is

perfectly acceptable, and it is everyone else’s fault!

*Leaders get out in your organizations and “Check

the pulse”. What are the people saying? What are

they NOT saying?

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What we should do if we work for a toxic

leader...

Unfortunately, there is not a clear “go-to” answer,

because every situation is different; however, there are a few

options available to you. You can confront the toxic leader

directly, and honestly, this should be your first option.

However, it may be extremely difficult to address the

individual directly, especially if you are junior in

rank/position to the toxic leader. In this situation, you should

seek guidance and or support from your organization’s

hierarchy (in the military, we refer to this as the chain of

command) and start at the lowest possible level. You should

also document the situation and provide feedback to your

organization’s applicable feedback or anonymous comment

system; however, keep in mind that you must be specific so

that your organization (at the applicable level) will be able

to pinpoint and engage the individual exhibiting toxic

behaviors. Whatever option you choose, it is vitally

important to communicate clearly and instantly about the

issue. Do not let it brew out of control!

Working for a toxic leader can be unbearable

considering the power and authority they have over you;

nevertheless, confronting the toxic leader directly about their

behaviors or reporting the problem to your organization’s

agency or process for this type of complaint can be

downright paralyzing - it requires courage. Given this

reality, many simply choose to endure the toxic environment

rather than step up and address it. They just think that they

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should keep their head down and push through the toxicity.

What these same individuals do not realize is that others will

follow their example and be victim to this same horrible

situation and toxicity.

If we do not step up and confront toxic leadership,

we cannot expect the environment and organizational

climate to improve, and even worse, there is a high

probability that more people will suffer even worse.

Stepping forward will undoubtedly inspire others to step up

and speak out too. Change often begins with the courage

and determination of one person ... one leader!

How you can be the change

Coaching and mentorship at every level is critical!

We can eliminate toxic leadership within our organization

by seizing the opportunity to step up and help create a

healthy working environment. Even though stepping up and

taking a stand will most likely require you to break out of

your comfort zone, we simply cannot and will not tolerate,

condone or ignore toxic behavior. As leaders, we will create

an environment of accountability, dignity and respect that

rejects leading by fear and manipulation. We also know that

people can be toxic followers, and we will not tolerate that

either! Eliminating all toxic behavior from our organizations

contributes to a simple, yet vital goal of treating all people

fairly and valued for who they are.

Regardless of wherever we are in our careers, we

must look in the mirror, evaluate ourselves, and honestly ask,

“Am I exhibiting toxic behavior?” We will promote an organizational culture where people can thrive, feel respected for who they are and are valued for their

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contributions to our shared goal and mission. This is so

incredibly vital to us being successful in promoting growth,

creating safe environments for our people and shaping future

leaders!

Toxic Followers

I want to mention, briefly, toxic followership,

especially since I am talking to leaders (we are all followers

regardless of our leadership positions) and you just may

come across a toxic follower. These are the people that range

from those that covertly plant the seeds of doubt with others

(to include your boss) regarding your “questionable”

leadership practices, all of the way to those that will

absolutely try everything in their power to sabotage you.

Always keep it professional and remain transparent

(remember we talked about that already) so that others will

know when someone is up to no good and trying to drag your

name through the dirt.

I really do not want you to be overly worried about

toxic followers. Yes, they do exist, and you will probably

even have them on your team, but I am fully confident that

if you follow my advice, you will be ok! Remember, just

keep everything you do above reproach and build a close

circle of those that will help guide you in the right direction.

I believe another way to highlight some of what I am talking

about here, is to run through a case study I did on halting

rumors and gossip, which one of my colleagues brought to

me.

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Halting Rumors & Gossip: A Case Study

A case study from April 2020

Let us talk about rumors in our organizations; and

what you and maybe even some of your employees and/or

subordinate managers and leaders may be dealing with.

I will remind us all what gossip does to our

organizations, but more importantly, how if effects the

people that power our organizations! Not that an explanation

is needed, but it does not hurt to level the bubbles on this.

Then I will run us through a scenario that was shared by one

of my former colleagues, as a base line to discuss how we

can approach rumors in our organizations.

Sometimes it is just “water-cooler” chitchat, but it

can quickly become a problem, a REAL problem. We

MUST ensure that our policies regarding this are CLEARLY

communicated and well known across our organizations!

Are you doing your part? If not, start. This is critical,

because while we want our employees to all have fun and

build camaraderie amongst one another; I know you would

all agree that we also want it to be professional. We want

everyone to know when that chitchat is becoming gossip.

Now, for the reminder of what rumors do to our

organizations:

• Decline of trust and morale: The foundation starts to

crumble

• Work productivity goes down because people are

emotionally caught up in the drama

• Anxiety and tension levels are unbearably high as

rumors circulate

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• Fear / self-preservation actions increase: People walk

on eggshells without knowing what is and is not fact

Divisiveness, as people take sides

• Unexpected turnover and loss of good talent: They

leave because of the toxic environment

Let us look at our scenario, to set the stage for our

discussion and to establish a base line strategy for how we

can approach rumors in our organizations.

Scenario is from a “mid-level” manager

My former colleague writes:

*note, some names and other identifying data were

removed to protect the privacy of others.

Caleb, in my case it is a manager that is creating the

rumor, and it is trickling down to the employees that are

already on edge due to the fact of uncertainty during this

time. I feel that yes, we are uncertain about what is

happening [but] someone in a leadership role needs to

remain calm for their employees.

He goes on to say, “It’s just a rumor that she has

started. She has been at home for several weeks working

from home and I think being at home has made her mind run

with crazy ideas. Many of our inspectors that we supervise

are older than 50 and do not know how our department

generates money and very gullible. We deal with utility

projects permits and generate money for the city. The city

just furloughed 270 positions with the XXXXXXXXXX and

convention center, but those positions are paid with the city

tourism tax and with no one traveling, no money is coming

in for those positions. City employees see that and assume

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they are next. She’s the type of person that always [must]

have some type of gossip.”

I asked him a series of questions, and we went back and

forth to really help him dig in and solve his issue, but he

did say the following earlier on:

He says, “I wouldn’t lose my job about bringing this

up and I have no problem confronting the issue with our head

manager. I just see a lot of people that go through the same

situation with rumors in the workplace.”

Well friend, I agree with you and I believe that we do

have a LOT of toxicity amongst our leader / management

ranks!

I believe what our friend is describing here is,

unfortunately, the typical work center in the US. It is mind

boggling that the (CEOs / HRs etc....) continue to hire

“managers” that are good on paper vs actual leadership talent. See, most of these hiring authorities look at their resume, see all the attractive “metrics”

and

accomplishments, and think, “wow, they will be great for our

organization”. However, what they fail to see is that they are

just “paper tigers” ... just like we have in the military, and I

know that if you have served (doesn’t matter which branch)

you have seen them... Honestly, this behavior spreads across

all facets of human life.

dignity and respect!

Then, when you introduce rumors there is such a

hierarchy of fear established by the paper tiger manager

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cabal that employees are afraid to bring anything up...they

have been normalized to this chaotic type of management.

The bottom line on this is that there are those that look good

on paper but cannot lead their way out of a wet paper bag

and they make it incredibly difficult for everyone else,

especially in these situations.

This breaks my heart! We MUST treat humans like

HUMANS!

These are the same managers that squander their

opportunity to provide training and inspiration to the team;

however, they poke fun at seminars that promote a “safe and

healthy work environment” and say things like,

“That is so stupid...we don’t need to go sit in some seminar and get all mushy. What do you want to do, sit around and sing kumbaya? We don’t need that crap around here...next you all will be thinking we should care about those feelings! Ha-ha, bunch of babies; and I know you can’t afford to lose your job, so leave your feelings and ideas at the door! We have work to do, and that stuff is a waste of time!”

These types of bosses are toxic, and there is just no way

around that. Toxic people MUST be dealt with,

immediately!

We need leaders to step up to address these types of

situations. Is it easy? NO. It takes courage and tact

(especially depending on the level where the issue lives) to

address things like this; however, if you find this a bit

challenging, just think about those that you are doing it for.

Listen, being a leader takes courage. If you do not have

courage, then I really need you to evaluate why you (or

anyone else) would call you a leader.

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Now, to the problem / topic at hand

I am a believer in the “rule of 5”, so I will follow with

five ways in which I believe a leader can address a toxic boss

/ manager (and in this case a rumor mill from that mid-level

manager).

• Leaders must thoroughly think through everything

Ready; Aim - FIRE, Assess & Adjust/Re-attack if

required

• Also, recruit a trusted spotter (mentor) to

help; none of us have ALL the answers.

Know, that we are stronger together and

sometimes it even helps to have a perspective

that is “outside” the organization

• Objective: Halt the rumor mill:
• Target: Boss / manager
• Plan of attack: 5 rounds

**Five Rounds**

• Observe & Orient to the Situation (Ready)
• Develop the Plan of Attack (Aim)
• Engage the Target (Fire)
• Target Assessment | Did it work (Assess)
• Adjust fire | Re-attack if required

Observe & Orient to the situation (Ready)

Separate all (as much as possible) emotion from the

situation, just go on the facts. We do not want to misread the

situation and plan our avenue of approach on bad

information or perceptions. You also want to fully

understand your position regarding the level and

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responsibility that you hold in the organization. Do you have

a responsibility to other people? Do you lead these people

(section / office supervisor)? You need to analyze the

potential second and third order of effects your actions may

have on them vs the actions of the current situation.

Develop the Plan of Attack (Aim)

Is the person that must be halted a narcissist (in my

experience, most are)? Can you just kick in the door and

throw the flash-bang in (just aggressively address the

offender directly with an emotional response)? Sure, but that

is probably not going to work; and even if it does, it is not

how you want to try to solve this problem. This problem

requires a solution that is precise and well planned.

Therefore, you need to carefully, analyze the best approach.

Does this person overreact to anything that they do not agree

with? You may need to take actions to “shield the others” to

prevent this person from thinking that it is a mutiny, for

obvious reasons. You are the leader here, and you must be

ok with sacrifice...self-sacrifice. You will want this

engagement / conversation to occur on neutral ground. Use

your previous interactions, and those interactions that others

have had with this individual, to formulate the plan of attack

with the highest probability of success.

Now, any good leader has more than one plan, and

this situation is one that calls for more than one plan.

Otherwise, how will you re-attack if required? Everyone has

a boss, so that may be your second course of action, and then

there is HR... Does your organization’s HR department have

a complaints division? If so, that may be your third course of

action. In my experience, the most direct route to the target

is the best, so I advise that as your primary course of action.

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Engage the Target (Fire)

First off, this is more of a clandestine mission...you

are not doing this for praise, so keep this low key. This is the

badge of honor that leaders wear; we do as much as possible

“behind the scenes”. This will take courage, but you must stand up to the lead offender and address them one-on-one in a neutral and more private room or office so others cannot overhear. We do not want to power another rumor mill. The objective here is not to completely overwhelm this person; you want to tactfully, demonstrate with specific examples how their behavior is affecting and disrupting the work environment, and causing both stress and fear to elevate beyond manageable levels for employees. In my experience this has about a ~65% effective rate. Just know this is the step most people get stumped on. Most can ready and aim, but they cannot fire. Don’t compromise on your values, take a stand! Also, take good notes...you may need them for your second and third courses of action.

Target Assessment | Did it work (Assess)

Like I stated above, the approach up to this point has

approximately a ~65% effective rate. I will address

ineffective fire in the next step. Observe the offender’s

actions and words; you may need to give this a couple of

weeks and up to you if you want to check back in and remind

the offender, if you do not see corrective actions. Did they

change? How are the employees responding? If it worked,

GREAT! Now, you need to return to the offender and give

them some praise for demonstrating courage and

compassion of their own (let’s face it, it is HARD for most

of us to admit we are wrong, and then actually take steps to

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correct that past behavior). I also recommend “planting”

seeds of approval and praise amongst the employees; like,

“man, the boss has really made a positive change and turn for us”. At NO time will you ever take the credit for your part in this change. Remember how leaders act in this situation, we are quiet professionals. There are plenty of times for leaders to cheerlead and beat their chest to motivate and inspire, this just is not one of them.

Adjust fire | Re-attack if required

Based on statistics, some of you will have to re-

attack. The offender has a boss too, so I suggest that we

implement that course of action. I would recommend that

there be a couple of weeks or so (depending on how serious

the offense is) before you engage with senior management

on this. Just as before, you will need to ensure you separate

all emotion and gather all your facts. It is critical to be

organized and well informed, prior to engaging in

conversations with the senior levels of management /

leadership. You will want to establish the meeting time

(probably with their executive assistant) and ensure that you

are not “quibbling” when you address this situation with

them. You want to use facts and share with them how you

have arrived at this point (share your plan, notes etc....) so

they know you have not whimsically come to them without

first trying to address it at the lowest level. It will also show

senior management that you can be trusted and that you have

good character, trying to solve this as a leader would.

Highly unlikely, but in the event, it is required (the

senior management just brushes this off) you will have to

engage with the HR department. Lastly, we never want to

leave the battlefield without a victory; however, sometimes

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we must accept those things, which we cannot change, and

even those things, which we cannot even influence towards

change and move on. You deserve to work for an

organization that treats each other with dignity and respect!

There is more!

Obviously, what we just discussed was a scenario to

help us address and halt rumors, when we are not the ones in

charge. Or at least when we are not responsible for the

leadership of those that are the ones starting or feeding the

rumors. Now, we should discuss what I started at the very

beginning, and address how we have a responsibility as

leaders to set the conditions for a safe work environment and

promote positive culture. We have the responsibility to

create a safe environment where our employees can thrive

and grow! You will schedule that seminar. You will

schedule the extra soft skills training. Why? Because it is

important, and it will set the tone that you will not tolerate

any deviation from this and that ANYONE and

EVERYONE is encouraged to immediately address and

elevate concerns.

So, let’s take the same rule of 5 approach...

ZERO Tolerance

Enact 'zero-tolerance' policies on workplace gossip,

or any unprofessional behavior. I understand that numerous

organizations protect their employees from divulging

confidential information to others; however, if your

organization does not have this policy, please take care of

that ASAP and create one. As an example, if a manager or

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supervisor discloses confidential information that leads to

workplace gossip about an employee, that manager or

supervisor faces the risk of disciplinary action and/or even

employment termination. Legends, you must meet with your

teams and reiterate, better yet, have them reiterate the

organization’s policy on the topic. As another example,

bring up the topic of gossip in a team meeting and see how

they handle the topic. Do they roll their eyes, laugh; or do

they get serious and echo your organization’s policy and

their perspective on the topic? If not, then it is time to

reeducate your team on the policy and the negative

consequences of gossiping.

Be the EXAMPLE

Be a good role model for others to follow, and

NEVER engage in the gossip. Be assertive, NEVER walk

away from gossip; you must stop it immediately. Reiterate

to all around (that were partaking in or heard the gossip) that

gossip is not tolerated, and then consider bringing it up in

your next team / staff meeting, to have your office / division

leads (however your organization is structured) re-engage

with everyone, down to the lowest level.

Address the Perpetrators

This is really a “repeat fire” from our #3 step above:

You must stand up to the lead offender(s) and address them

one-on-one in a private setting (office) so others can't

overhear....we don’t want to power another rumor mill “The

boss really let John have it!”. The objective here is not to

completely overwhelm this person, but to tactfully,

demonstrate with specific examples how their behavior is

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affecting and disrupting the work environment and causing

both stress and fear to elevate beyond acceptable levels for

employees. Furthermore, how their actions are not in

alignment with company / organization policies and that you

take these infractions seriously.

Encourage Information / Positive Stories

Work to create a culture where people are

encouraged to share their positive stories about work,

customers, and culture. Think of specific examples where

peers, supervisors, managers and senior level leaders in the

organization can communicate horizontally and laterally

what they feel proud about, at work. An example would be

an employee going above-and-beyond in serving a customer;

and/or a senior executive sharing the story organization-

wide and through social media outlets to not only brag on

the specific employee but to also cement positive culture. I

encourage all leaders to find meaningful ways to share these

types of positive stories during morning huddles to reinforce

the cultural values and key behaviors you and the

organization requires.

Keep Private, Private

Unless it is necessary, the rule of thumb is plain and

simple, do not trust personal information with anyone at

work that will be fodder for gossip. If you ever have a doubt

about the necessity of sharing this information, speak to HR

or your chain of command (probably where this type of

personal information would be used anyway) before sharing

ANYTHING! In my 19 years of experience in leadership

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and management, there has yet to be a time where this was

required.

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Key Takeaways

WOW! There was a lot in that chapter, right?

Leaders, I know that was a lot to consume, understand and

try to apply; but I know that you “get it” and know just how

important this is to all of us! We must remember that we are

both followers and leaders at the same time, and that we are

responsible to those above and below us in the chain of

command. We cannot take a break and sit on the sidelines,

and especially not when there is some type of toxicity going

on. Toxicity, rumors and gossip are the cancers that will

absolutely destroy people and organizations, and we must

have the courage to stand up and speak out. Be the change

legends!

• Recognize toxic behavior
• Communicate with your trusted peers and

superiors

• Choose a plan of attack
• Stand up & speak out against toxicity
• Halt rumors & gossip
• Be the example & change for your

organization

Reflective Questions:

1. Is there toxicity in your organization?

• If there is toxicity in your organization, what are

you doing to address it?

3. How are you the example of what “right” looks like?

Let us press on to the next waypoint, which is crucial

conversations, listening (yeah who does that anymore?) to

include, yes, the other taboo “F-word”! You guessed it, we

will talk about feedback, because regardless of your position,

profession or beliefs, we ALL have crucial conversations

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(that we screw up a lot!) and we ALL need feedback (but so

rarely get it!). Tighten your pack straps; this part of the trail

may become a bit remote!

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Crucial Conversations

With Emphasis on Listening and Feedback

Contributions from George Nichols and Leslie

Baccus

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

~ Ambrose Bierce

Opening Thoughts

Leaders MUST communicate effectively in order to

lead effectively. So many times, our communications are

sabotaged by our feelings, assumptions or speculations and

the fact that we (all humans) do not have the best record for

truly listening. We really miss the target on effective

communication, when we ‘think’ that we know what is going

on in each situation (without verifying) and when we

misunderstand the intent and do not return to seek

clarification. Everyone is susceptible to this communication

trap and must strive to overcome it.

Effective Listening

“When people talk, listen completely. “Most people never listen.”

~ Ernest Hemingway

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Give them your FULL attention

I know we think we have all the answers and

solutions but let us try to forget that the next time we are

talking with someone. They want to be heard, not “talked

at”. PUT the phone away, pull out your common access card,

step away from the computer! Look them in the eye, and

really pay attention to them and what they are saying...not

all the other things we have going on. Really, how many

times have you done this or have seen someone do this?

Have you or have you seen the “leader” or anyone, not step

away or even turn from your computer when someone walks

in to talk? It is RUDE to ignore people, so if you do that,

STOP!

Listen to understand and to learn

DO NOT just respond to their last comment! Look at

conversations as a path to new information and experiences.

Do not fake it! Empathy and connection with others only

happen when we understand them...so listen to understand.

Do not interrupt or reply to everything

I get it, most leaders genuinely want to help, so it is

always tempting to provide our “expert opinion” when

someone is speaking; however, when we jump in to offer our

“world renowned” advice, we are actually preventing them from fully expressing themselves and solving the problem on their own. Therefore, instead of immediately responding,

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we need to laser our focus in on what they are saying. We

can always provide advice and help later if it is still needed.

What is not being said?

Sometimes

the

most

important

thing

in

communication is hearing what is not said. Listen for

awkward pauses, omissions, and/or hesitation. When we do,

we will start to notice things that are not as apparent to

others, and we may be able to help someone.

Listen, Learn & then Lead: When we focus on the

one speaking, and listen well, we will be able to engage more

deeply with those we are entrusted to lead.

**Do you want to be a GREAT leader? Well, then you

MUST listen ... really listen to those you lead, otherwise

you will just be the narcissist no one follows!

Crucial Conversations

When we do not completely understand the situation

or communication, we will form a story in our heads. We

form this story without even really thinking about what we

are doing, and we do it because we must make sense of

everything and fill in the gaps left by our misunderstanding

or miscommunication. These stories are a dangerous trap,

because before long we start to rationalize (what would

otherwise be insignificant) events, activities and behaviors

as attributing or validating our stories. As we continue to

entertain these stories, our communication with those

involved becomes more and more limited and driven by our

biases (from that story we have formed). This will erode our

credibility as leaders, because it will be obvious that we only

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care or are concerned about our side of the story; therefore,

this must be corrected. As I have stated before, leaders are

readers.

I recently came across a book titled Crucial

Conversations by Patterson / Grenny / McMillan / Switler.

This is a really good book and does an excellent job of

breaking down the critical segments of crucial conversations

and I encourage you to read it. I believe that it will be as

much of as help to you, as it was to me! Now, you may be

thinking that you really do not have that many crucial

conversations, and that this section is pointless. Well, I must

disagree with you. Every conversation that we have,

especially with those that we lead, are crucial. I hope that by

knowing this, you will be compelled to become a better

communicator and take the steps required to enhance your

skills, those you lead deserve it!

When you prepare for a conversation (hoping you

prepare) do you think about your potential biases? Do you

already “know” what happened; and are you just having this

conversation to confirm your assumptions? If you do any of

these things, you are in jeopardy of tanking the entire

conversation. STOP! I do not care if it is a conversation

about a multi-million dollar contract, a project that will

influence thousands of people, or why someone always

seems to cut you off in the middle of a conversation or

presentation; you owe it to those you lead to pause and think

clearly and separate all emotion.

Why do we not separate our emotions? Well, it is

my perspective that we (humans) do not do that, because it

is difficult, and I cannot think of a time in my upbringing

that anyone ever taught me how to separate my emotions. I

suspect you too find yourself in a similar predicament. So,

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now what? We must separate emotions, or otherwise we are

most likely going to hurt more than feelings, we will damage

a relationship. Remember, as leaders our relationships are

vitally important. That is why I ask you to pause on having

the conversation.

Does it have to happen right this very second? In my

experience, most conversations are not that urgent. I am not

the subject matter expert on conversation time requirements,

but I will remind you that I have served in the military for 19

years (at the time of this writing) so I would say I have a little

experience. Very few times did a conversation warrant a

“right now” time frame. So, just take a breath and think about why the conversation should take place, and what the other person may think of the situation. Schedule the conversation and let the other person(s) know what the subject of the conversation will be. Letting the other party know why you are going to have a conversation is so that they can mentally prepare. You would not want to be included in a conversation unexpectedly and then bombarded with accusations and questions. Then, as you are waiting on the scheduled conversation to arrive; you must take a mental inventory of why you want a conversation, what your objective is, who is going to do what and why. Then you must think of all of that from their perspective. Eliminate any of the stories (we mentioned earlier) and come into the conversation with as much of an open mind as possible.

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As the conversation approaches and the time has

arrived, make sure that the meeting spot is as comfortable

and professional as possible. Initiate the conversation with

the reason (remember all emotion removed, just facts) and

set the stage for open communication. Make sure to let the

other person(s) know how the conversation will transpire,

meaning that you will need to help them understand how you

are approaching the conversation by removing all emotion

and eliminating any of those stories. Tell them what your

heart on the situation is, and why you believe that, and why

the conversation is required. Then ask them what they think

this conversation is about and if they have any preconceived

stories. Now, the conversation is set.

Many times, as leaders, we will be walking down a

hallway, through a work center or office, and someone will

ask to have a conversation about, fill in the blank. In

addition, regarding our all too busy schedules, many times

these “drive by” questions and/or request will pop up on our

calendar and seemingly without much warning. My

experience has shown me (that is my way of saying that I

have royally messed up many conversations) that it is a trap

if we do not ask what the desired intent of us (the leader) is.

Let me explain. When someone starts the conversation off,

I show them my model (eliminating emotions and stories,

focusing on facts, and where our hearts are on the situation)

and then ask them what they expect or want out of me. Do

they want advice, do they want me to act on some tangible

facts towards results, or do they simply just want me to

listen? Take my advice on this, ask the question!

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That Other taboo “F-word” ... Feedback

Do you know what your current performance level is

or how it is perceived and/or assessed, in accordance with

the established standards? Do you even know what the

standards

are?

Do

you

know

what

performance

rating/markings you would receive if your performance

report were to close out today? Do you have a grade

applicable feedback in your files? Do you have an ‘Initial’,

‘Mid-term’ and ‘Follow-up’ feedback? Do you know where

to find out about all of this? The answer is simple-your

SUPERVISOR and/or boss. If you do not know the answers

to the questions listed, you owe it to yourself to discuss them

with your supervisor and request the feedback that you

deserve.

• Feedback is not only the “formalized” process of

using your organization’s formal process / forms and

then officially documenting feedback/performance,

it is an EVERYDAY thing!

• You should not wander about wondering (see what

happened there?) where you stand in comparison to

the standard(s). If you are in this situation, you

MUST communicate with your supervisor-

IMMEDIATELY!

• This CANNOT be about us continuing to repeat the

inadequate cycle of feedback that we as supervisors

/ leaders may have (probably were) exposed to ... we

MUST do better! Supervisors, you should NEVER

only provide the minimum feedback required by

your organization’s rules / coaching for your

subordinate.

The

first

time

you

see

your

subordinate’s previous performance records or any

of their assessments or any other performance

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records should NOT be after you receive their EPR

shell. This is something that you should be

discussing in your initial feedback, and then

periodically throughout the reporting period-and

the entire time you rate on the member. As leaders,

we MUST take care of our team! We simply do NOT

have an option, we WILL provide all required

feedbacks, and truly COACH our teammates.

• Real Leaders, yes that is you ... legendary leaders

ALWAYS Receive and Provide Professional,

Constructive & “SMART” Feedback...

Thoughts / advice from some of my friends, regarding

feedback

Lt Col Nichols

Feedback is reciprocal...hard to give it if you are not

willing to receive it. We need to be authentic and

genuine...your experiences are biased and do not directly

correlate to how they may need to grow...so other

perspectives of their performance and actions supports a

more well informed and likely received feedback. Everyone

needs rain or sunshine to grow...till the surface (get to know

the Airmen), plant the seed (set the expectations), watch it

sprout (follow up) and cultivate it (watch them grow)! Be

willing to listen twice as much as you want to speak. Keep it

positive, professional and to the point!

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TSgt Baccus

I would like to hit more on the fact that feedback is

not just an ACA. It is an everyday reinforcement of good

behavior and discouraging bad behavior. It is a conversation.

It is on the spot. With modern technology, we have drifted

away from face to face interaction and it must come back.

93%

of

communication

is

nonverbal.

In

person,

communication is so very important. I would also say that

growth happens by both parties, supervisor and subordinate.

You must be willing to accept feedback no matter who you

are and set that example for others to see. Conflict is often

why we do not give feedback on the spot, but it is not that

bad. Practice makes perfect. Be brave and try it out.

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Key Takeaways

• Conversations are crucial...ALL of them
• Give them your FULL attention
• Listen to understand
• Do not interrupt
• What is not being said
• Listen, Learn & then Lead
• Eliminate the “stories”
• Know your “heart” on the topic/situation
• Feedback is key, and falls in line with good

conversation techniques

• Prepare, prepare, prepare
• Do not wait, feedback is continuous
• Use facts, not feelings when determining

feedback regarding performance

• Feedback is reciprocal
• Practice makes perfect, if the practice is

perfect

Reflective Questions:

1. Do you listen to understand, or respond?

2. Do you provide good feedback as a leader?

We are at a good rest spot, unstrap your pack and take

a knee here. We have covered a LOT of ground, and I do

not want you to run out of steam. Next, we will discuss a

commitment to excellence and psychological flexibility.

No, I am not a doctor, but we must be flexible as leaders;

otherwise, we will fall off the trail quickly! Rest, reflect and

then motivate on to the next waypoint.

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Pursue Excellence Daily

Through Psychological Flexibility

“Remember the Airman you were back in the day, to groom, lead and develop the Airmen of today, to become better lethal leaders than you were yesterday”

~ Chief Master Sergeant LaWanda Parker

28th Force Support Squadron Superintendent

Opening Thoughts

Legendary Leaders are committed to excellence. What

are you committed to?

Maybe I am missing something here, but I am

starting to believe that some among our ranks think

excellence is a relative term. I have had the amazing

opportunity to serve for 19 years in our Air Force and at 24

locations (including deployments / “extended trips”) which

has provided me the opportunity to observe countless

professionals. However, I must say that throughout many of

these observations, I found many who appear to be

committed to average, committed to mediocre, and even

some who are committed to being good, but very few are

committed to excellence! Why?

I do not believe that excellence is a relative term at

all! Furthermore, excellence should be an absolute in the

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Profession of Arms! We MUST pursue excellence daily,

and I have learned that high performing teams understand

what excellence is and they aggressively pursue it daily as a

part of their routines and culture. In its most simplistic

explanation, excellence is being the best in the world at what

you do. Can you guess who powers these types of teams?

Yes, that is right, driven leaders are committed to

excellence!

I challenge you with the following questions

• Are you the best in the Air Force (or your

organization) at your assigned responsibilities?

• Are you committed to excellence?

To me, this is simple, and boils down to one thing

and one thing only. Are you/your team committed to

excellence, or will good enough do? I truly believe that most

teams are committed to something less than excellent. I do

not think that individuals wake up and set out to be mediocre,

but unfortunately, that is what ends up happening daily in

our Air Force and across many organizations. Now, I also

believe that responsibility for team excellence rest on the

shoulders of leaders. Legendary leaders ensure that

excellence begins at the top and trickles its way down to the

lowest ranking Airman (mil or civ). Airmen and teams that

are committed to excellence outperform everyone else,

period!

Excellence must start at the top. You see, you need

to be honest with yourself (an honest “360” is in order)

especially if you are a “leader” responsible for others. You

must start with a commitment to excellence. Excellence is a

mentality! A person and/or team that is mediocre and stays

there, is committed to being mediocre, that is why they will

not change. They are committed! So, if your

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team/teammates are not committed to excellence, figure out

why and then CHANGE the mindset!

Do you think excellence is a theoretical term, or do

you now agree that excellence is a mindset/mentality? If you

build it into your culture and are committed to it, you and

those you lead will see the difference.

Yeah that sounds great and all, but what does it

mean?

Well,

since

we

all

have

different

responsibilities/duties, it would be extremely difficult to

provide a specific analysis for everyone; however, we can

provide some “generalities” and give you a couple of “take-

a-ways”.

Think of it this way: Think about you as a customer.

Have you ever received service where you were just like,

“WOW!”? If you have, I am sure you can break it down and determine why you felt that way. We all have a “customer”. You may not look at it that way, but that is our reality. They may be the “typical” customer that walks up to your window/office, or they may be a customer that needs fuel for their aircraft, or our nation as a customer of the defense we provide. Either way, we all have customers, so try to make them feel the “WOW!” factor. It requires the “extra sacrifice” that so few are willing to provide. Be willing and eager to STANDOUT, be EXCELLENT!

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“Psychological Flexibility” The real key to leadership! I am sure that you all (Airmen) have heard “flexibility is the key to airpower” but what does that really mean? In my experience, most people interpret this in the physical sense, i.e., hurry up, then wait; move this over here ... no, wait, move it over there and etc... This is deeper than that, and that is what I want us to understand. Our values, our conditions, and our upbringing, EVERYTHING is in PLAY! "I remember seeing an elaborate and complicated automatic washing machine for automobiles that did a beautiful job of washing them. But it could do only that, and everything else that got into its clutches was treated as if it were an automobile to be washed. I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail”

~ Abraham Maslow

Why is this Important? Because I believe and have

seen through experience, low psychological flexibility, can

predict the following:

• Higher anxiety • More depression • Poor work performance
• Inability to learn • Lower quality of life • Depression

What is psychological flexibility?

The technical definition is “the ability to contact the

present moment more fully as a conscious human being and

to change, or persist in, behavior when doing so serves

valued ends” (Biglan, Hayes, & Pistorello, 2008).

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This means that we need to calmly approach

situations and base our actions and decisions on

facts and values vs emotions and short-term

impulses.

Why?

Well, our thoughts and emotions tend to be

unreliable; and we have such little control over them, and

they tend to change often and sometimes dramatically. If we

trust our thoughts and emotions, and act based on that alone;

we can often miss the more important, sustained patterns of

action (based on our values and truth) which bring true

meaning, vitality and richness to our lives.

• Our bases are unique and present their own

challenges (weather, unforgiving aircraft that is hard

to maintain / keep flying and aging infrastructure just

to name a few); now we have yet another challenge

(opportunity to excel) with COVID-19! Have you

ever noticed how we can become like the conditions

we are exposed to? Hard and calloused, just like the

cold winters, or hot headed, just like the desert heat.

We cannot afford to be that way as humans, as

Airmen! We must have the psychological flexibility

to separate our emotions, thoughts and conditions

from our values and truth. When we respond to each

other, we must have the psychological flexibility to

show grace to those we are responding to...they are

not an aircraft, 75 mph -345F wind! They are people

and they deserve respect and dignity.

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Oh, I am off? Well, why is it that I hear stories ALL the

time that support my point?

• An Airman was served a LOR. When they were

walking out of the CCs office, they heard the CC /

Chief / Shirt / supervisor laughing. Really!? Even if

it was not about the Airman, that leadership team was

completely out of touch!

• A Civilian Airman was told that they were worthless

and served no real purpose.

• MANY are told repeatedly, to not be stupid and keep

working, and “oh yeah, no more ideas from you!”

• A female Airman was told to quit holding her

“bit@& sessions” ... she had organized a group for females in her unit to share their experiences on how to deal with things they are exposed to in life, the Air Force and their career field... Those leaders / humans that partook in those actions are out of touch! They are like the winter weather in South Dakota and Northern Afghanistan, both of where I am deployed from and to ... cold and calloused. They simply lack the maturity and psychological flexibility to separate their conditions from their values, and now there is not any difference. Legendary leaders are flexible leaders! You can change your plans to match the reality of your situation; and as a result, you maintain calmness and order during transitions or periods of chaos (oh yeah, like COVID-19). You are successful because you are skilled at this competency; you embrace change and are open to new ideas! “Leadership is solving problems. The day a solider stops bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you

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can help or conclude you do not care. Either case is a

failure of leadership”

~Gen (ret) Colin Powell

There is something that I have noticed, and I am sure

you have too, that can really prevent people from becoming

their best, and it can stifle team development and

cohesiveness. It is the condescending attitudes that some

people carry around and infect others with (yes, I said infect,

because that is what happens!). I want us to all step back

and evaluate something. What if we spent as much time

looking for ways to encourage and build others up, versus

the time we spend looking for ways to “cut” them down?

Well, the world would be a LOT better place! Since none of

us can control the whole world, let us start within our own

circle of influence. Trust me, if you spend enough time

looking for something negative about someone, then you

will find it...we are all human, and we ALL have faults.

However, here is the shocker! They most likely already

know about it. So, have we helped anyone when we lash out

and point something out that they are already aware of? No.

Another issue is this. We seldom know what their life

situation, life story, what experiences they have, or what they

have been through that has shaped how they view and

respond to situations.

Many times, especially in the military, leaders often

feel like they are only being a good leader, if they seek out

every wrong thing that their followers are doing (like that is

all they are looking for) and then they berate and/or

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embarrass them into correcting their behavior, or lack of

upholding the standards. Well, news flash, that is NOT

being a good leader! Now, sometimes leaders must be stern

and make unpopular decisions in the effort of maintaining

good order and discipline, but that does not mean they have

to do that in a hateful manner. It is not always the case that

these leaders are being hateful; it is just an unpopular

decision that must be made. When you experience this,

please do yourself a favor; step back and analyze your

actions, emotions and feelings regarding the situation, before

assuming that it is a matter of a hateful leader.

and strength.

**Leaders encourage and build others up. They motivate

and inspire others to want to exceed the standards, and

even police themselves.

Find something positive and uplifting to point out to

people, which they may not see or know about in themselves.

Many people are MUCH more aware of their shortcomings

as compared to their strengths; so, we should spend more

time exposing people’s strengths versus their weaknesses

and/or failures. Start with your circle of influence and lift

someone up today. Spend an entire week speaking life and

encouragement into people and keep track of it; then share it

with others. It is easy to tear people down, and most of the

world is great at that; but we will be different, legendary

even, and do something positive! One last news flash,

supporting another’s success will NOT dampen yours...

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Key Takeaways

• Be the best in the Air Force at your assigned

duties/responsibilities

• Be committed to excellence
• You are the standard of excellence
• NEVER accept anything other than a full

commitment to excellence

• Psychological flexibility is a MUST for leaders

Reflective Questions:

• Are you the expert at what you do, and how do you

know / validate that?

• Are you truly committed to excellence, and could

others tell?

3. How do you describe psychological flexibility?

That was a relative short distance between

waypoints, so let’s just push right on through to our next

point. This next one is a doozy; it is about developing

inclusive leaders and organizations. I say it is a doozy,

because many people are not ready to hear it, and it is the

longest waypoint that we have; however, it may be the most

important. Let us really dig into this, and commit to making

our Air Force better, and to be an example for the rest of the

world on how to do it right!

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Developing Inclusive Leaders

A Focus on Inclusion of Diversity, Developing Inclusive

Leaders and Organizations

A Case Study within the Air Force, featuring Rochelle

Hemingway

It is time for parents to teach young people early on that

in diversity there is beauty and there is strength.

~Maya Angelou

Opening Thoughts

Why should leaders be inclusive?

I think this is a “no-brainer” question and follow-on

explanation; however, if I am talking about it that means that

maybe it is not so obvious. As leaders, we must be inclusive

of the diversity on our team! Since this book is

predominantly directed to those within the Air Force; I think

the best way to walk through this, is through a case study

that I did back in April - May of 2020. Now, as I stated

before, this is the longest waypoint; however, I really

challenge you to dig in and really keep an open mind and

heart. You will get to hear (read) the thoughts and opinions

of one of my dear friends, and she drops some #wisdom on

us. This is such an important topic and necessity for leaders,

I wanted to be sure to bring in diversity of thought on the

topic!

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A Case Study: The Air Force is Inclusive of its

Diversity, #WHATSAYTHEAIRMEN

We recruit civilians to be Airmen, who all have

unique backgrounds...some of those backgrounds are good,

and some are not. We cannot change that for them, but we

can change how we accept, treat, and lead them! Are you

inclusive? Alternatively, are you under the impression that

we are “good” because the AF is diverse? Well, if so, you

are missing the point. I assure you that we have come a long

way regarding inclusion; however, we still HAVE work to

do. Until EVERY Airman (uniformed, civilian or

contractor) can be assessed based ONLY on their

performance versus any other factor, then we are NOT where

we NEED to be!

Of course, most Airmen truly understand that it is

imperative for us to continue to build and maintain a culture

that promotes the inclusion of our diversity; however, it is

naïve to believe that EVERY Airmen feels and/or acts this

way. If it were true, then we would not have Airmen being

treated any differently or being assessed on anything other

than their performance!

We have Airmen that are discriminated against

among our ranks, and it MUST STOP! We MUST treat each

other with dignity and respect...all humans deserve that and

we, as Airmen, will ensure that happens. Are you a leader

that cares, but are not exactly sure how to start the

conversation, the “difficult discussions”? Well, if you are an

Airman then you should contact your local Equal

Opportunity Office and if you are in any other organization,

just work through and with your organization’s Human

Resource department and/or Equal Opportunity Office.

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THE BOTTOM LINE: WE MUST DEVELOP

INCLUSIVE LEADERS AND ORGANIZATIONS IF

WE EVER HOPE TO LEAVE A WORTHY LEGACY

FOR OUR FUTURE GENERATIONS...PERIOD!

There are a LOT of you, good humans, and good

leaders, that are doing it the RIGHT way! I want to

encourage you to keep pressing on and looking out for those

that you are entrusted to lead, motivate, and inspire. Prove to

your team that any unlawful discrimination is unacceptable.

Treat them with dignity and respect, get to know them,

where they are from, where they want to go, what they are

afraid of, what they aspire to be, what their doubts are, and

the list goes on and on. We are all living in our “dash”, so

make sure that it is a life that is worth talking about, a

legendary legacy! If everything in your life is “awesome”,

you have the greatest stories, accomplishments and etc, and

you did it without LOVE, then you failed at this thing we

call life...plain and simple! Can you discriminate with love?

NO!? I did not think so!

Airmen are human. We are our nation’s example of hope

... NEVER FORGET THAT!

My Final Thoughts on the Case Study

*I know this sounds a little weird, to start (essentially) with

my final thoughts; however, just stay with me...it will make

sense in the end! In addition, some of the material presented

here makes more sense if you visit “Real Talk with Caleb”

on Anchor or Apple podcast to hear the full episodes that

correspond with this information.

Wow! When I started this special project over a

month ago, I had NO idea the affect that it would have on

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me! I mean I knew that we still have Airmen that experience

discrimination in the Air Force (even though I have never

seen or experienced it myself) I never doubted anyone’s

stories; however, I suppose that it was one of my unattended

blind spots. I will also submit to you that it is most likely an

unattended blind spot for you too! You see, when we have

not experienced or maybe not even witnessed discrimination

in action, we tend to believe that it does not happen or at a

minimum that when it does happen, everyone is reconciled

through the proper and official channels (which the Air

Force provides).

This assumption is FALSE! What we are portraying

in many cases is that we see and ignore discrimination, or

that we selectively enforce inclusion... No!? Well, then

lean in and listen, go back and listen to episode #4 (visit the

podcast mentioned earlier) where our warriors shared their

stories (this is where we had four Airmen share their stories

of discrimination) and see if you still hold that position. I

can tell you this much; I am going to be more keenly aware

of my surroundings, like a true inclusive leader should be,

and shut down discrimination wherever I may find it, which

means that I will actively look for it ... no more passive

approach! It is not that I have intentionally overlooked it in

the past, but I did not know, what I did not know....and you

do not know what you do not know either. I truly hope you

tried to view and/or listen to this entire series through the

boots of others. If you did not do that, then you failed. GO

BACK AND TRY AGAIN!

CMSAF #19, Chief Master Sergeant JoAnne Bass

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Setting the stage, discrimination DOES occur

As I mentioned above, discrimination does still occur

in our Air Force. Now, the Air Force’s stance on the matter

is strictly against discrimination, and it (the Air Force) places

utmost importance on inclusion; however, there are those

among our ranks that do not align with that stance and

requirement. Why? I racked my brain on this repeatedly. I

cannot help but remember the pain and anguish that I heard

in the voices and saw in the faces of the warriors that shared

their stories of discrimination (I ZOOMed the warriors for

their stories; however, we only shared the audio for obvious

reasons...). I am forever indebted to these warriors for

demonstrating true courage to come forward and share their

stories, which I know will inspire others to come forward,

and just maybe, help you analyze your thoughts, motives,

and actions. Discrimination obviously and unfortunately

still occurs in today’s Air Force, and that is just plain outright

unacceptable! It is mind boggling that people still think that

there is not a problem. Many, and perhaps even all of those

that think there is not a problem, are lulled to sleep by their

own blind spots. Through my research on this special

project, I learned that many do not even know that there are

forms of discrimination happening around them, and many

times this is due to their own social biases.

We MUST not only face our own thoughts, biases,

surround ourselves with other diverse people that will help

us identify our blind spots, but also admit those biases and

blind spots. Why? Because we will be stuck in this

unacceptable position until we do. Don’t be afraid of your

biases, they are only dangerous when you either do not know

what they are, or in the case where they are bad biases, fall

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victim to those biases...that is when people get hurt! These

biases sometimes manifest themselves in outright and

blatant discrimination and sometimes it is more covert, a

slow eating away at someone’s feelings and self-worth.

Regardless if it is intentional or not, it is vitally important

that we are aware of biases, covert and overt discrimination

and STOP it immediately. Do NOT let it continue, do NOT

walk past it or turn a “blind eye” to it, because you (as a

leader) just approved of it if you do walk past it and do not

say or do anything about it!

How discrimination affects those being

discriminated against

As I listened to the warriors share their stories, my heart

was literally breaking. I was astonished by the stories that I

heard, and in many cases just could not believe that other

humans could possibly think that it was OK to treat another

human with so little (to NO) dignity or respect! One warrior

even attributed it to losing her voice, having to remain silent

as these things (discrimination) were occurring around her.

If you have not listened to the podcast yet, there is a story

where “Zo” talks about how a shop foreman referred to him

as a monkey! During this podcast, we talked about the

“only(s)”; you know being the ONLY one in the room, office or whatever setting, that was not like the rest. Wait, you cannot imagine that? Why? Probably because you are not an “only”, otherwise you would most likely already know about this issue! Discrimination devalues those it is aimed at, and plants the seeds of doubt and not belonging in their minds. Those seeds are then nurtured by silence (of

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those that could have and SHOULD have stopped it)

and by continuous “upping” of the discrimination.

I immediately think of Cecilia’s story, and how her

coworkers just kept upping their degree of comments and

innuendoes towards her. Something she said that really

stood out to me was, “Am I not enough, am I not the right

color to be an engineer?” On the other hand, as Kim said,

“Don’t tell me how to feel!” which highlights to me how some “leaders” react when someone brings them a case of discrimination. They say things like, “Oh, it’s not that bad...it is not really discrimination, you just need tougher skin!” Now, I guess that these so-called leaders are dermatologists! NO! They are just weak “non-leaders”! Can you just imagine the anxiety and depression that comes along with being discriminated against? I mean, think about it; Brittany has even had people in the military and her family that did not accept her. This is so sad, and we can, we MUST do better! Imagine being the lone Airman in the corner. You may even say, “Come on Chief, that doesn’t happen”. No?! Well, if it did not happen, then I would not be here right now, talking about this! Adjust your eyesight, fix your perspective and get the real vision on what is going on in your organization! It is happening, there are lone Airmen walking about, cowered in the corner or silenced...you are the leader that will ensure that they can come out of the corner and have their OWN voice heard. Everyone is watching you as the leader, and when you do not stand up to it, report it or stop it, then you immediately approve of and support its continuation. We MUST stand up and SPEAK OUT against discrimination, and encourage others to do the same

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Now, we MUST stand up and speak out against

discrimination and selective inclusion! The Air Force has

already given us the diversity we need, through recruitment

and the broad diversity of our force! It is our obligation and

our duty to be inclusive of that diversity. Like General

Goldfein stated, it is not about being “politically correct”

(because you know that is what some people call it, and you

can really get a peek inside people’s hearts when they make

comments like that...) it is about a warfighting imperative.

The General is right, but I will take it back to the human

level. It is about human dignity and respect. The last time I

checked, we are all human and we earn the right to be treated

with dignity and respect, period.

don’t try to!

If we ever hope to eliminate discrimination, we must

ensure that we (as leaders, as a force even) create an

environment that is safe from reprisal, not like just a slogan,

but a reality where Airmen can elevate their concerns. They

do NOT need an environment or culture in which they are

doubted, or fear that they will not be heard out when they

bring up a suspicion regarding covert or even overt

discrimination. You may say, “Oh come on now Chief, there

aren’t any environments like that...”. No?! Really, then

why are we here, and why are we hearing stories about

it...check your areas and organizations!

We immediately approve of the discrimination and faulty

culture, when we doubt them and, when we tell Airmen

how they feel or should feel about it!

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You give the individual Airman courage, when you

believe and listen to them; and then in turn you are

supporting a culture of inclusion, because that Airman is

going to spread the truth about how you listened to them and

heard them out.

Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity

and respect

YOU BE THE INCLUSIVE LEADER!! Speaking of

culture, what is the culture of your organization? Good? Are

you sure about that? On the other hand, is it only considered

good by those that think, believe, look or act like you?

Hmmm, now, stop being angry and ask those heroes to your

left and right that help you with your unconscious biases and

blind spots.

You say, “I don’t see color, race, religious

preferences and etc.”. Well, bad on you!

You should see those things to start to understand

where that awesome human being comes from, what you

should NOT do is see those things as a discriminator to

where they can go or what they can achieve. You WILL get

to know your people and you will lead your teams to do the

same! We are in the people business! Yes, we wage our

nation’s wars and protect the homeland, but we do that with

people!

Remember, we do not raise the humans that Basic

Military Training (BMT) starts to turn into Airmen. There

is anywhere from 17-39 years of forming and foundation that

has already been set. It is imperative that as leaders, as a

force that we continue to educate, train and reinforce what

started at BMT. Think of it this way. Imagine that we recruit

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a civilian from a bad background (a background that goes

directly against what we as an Air Force believe in regarding

inclusion). Then imagine that there are “leaders” in the field

(operational Air Force) that believe BMT and technical

training reoriented that human, now Airman to the right path.

Imagine somehow that there are those out there that think a

mere few weeks can and does completely undo 17-39 years

of forming. Well, that assumption happens every day, and

that is a horrible assumption.

BMT and technical training starts to set the foundation for

what we need and want our Airmen to understand, believe

and operate in accordance with; however, they cannot

possibly erase that many years of potential biases and blind

spots. Our job as real leaders is to help them and give them

an opportunity to accept responsibility for themselves and

change (if required)!

As my friend and brother Chief BK says, people

listen a little and watch a LOT! So, what are you DOING as

a leader? As someone famous once said, “If your actions

(**Note, not beliefs, thoughts, ideas gender, ethnicity or

etc.) inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and

become more, you are a leader”. ~ Sixth President of the

United States, John Q Adams. I know that I have used this

quote 56,000 times, but I love this quote!

If you are only talking about your organization

being inclusive vs demonstrating what that means,

then you are FAILING! Stop failing! Lace up your

boots, get out in the field, and lead our Airmen!

“Good leaders understand what they do not see or know and are open to those who bring those [blind spots] into view. The first thing we do as leaders is acknowledge we all have blinders on, and there are certain things we are not

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going to be able to see in our organization. Once we

acknowledge that we have to acknowledge there are flesh-

colored Band Aids in every squadron.”

~Gen Goldfein (Ret), USAF

The General is right you know! We must be good,

no; we must be GREAT leaders! I hope that you do continue

reading through this waypoint, as we are about to take a deep

dive into some #wisdom from my friend. The following is

her excerpt that was used in the case study. Some of these

are more of talking points, so if you do not listen to the

accompanying podcast, then they may not make perfect

sense; however, some are legitimate “stand-alone” advice,

and I know that you will still be able to glean some valuable

information from them!

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Chief Hemingway’s Thoughts:

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in the moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr

Actions Towards Developing Inclusive Leaders &

Organizations...

• Diversity is a fact; Inclusion is an act
• Everyone is in a different place when it comes to

diversity & inclusion

• The benefits of diversity & inclusion in the

military (the why is it important)

• Creating an authentic and inclusive workplace

culture

DIVERSITY IS A FACT; INCLUSION IS AN ACT

Facts on diversity

Diversity is composed of varying characteristics

such as age, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religious

beliefs,

political

beliefs,

education,

socioeconomic

background,

geographic

location,

physical

abilities,

language, personality, personal life experiences, preferences

and beliefs. Inclusion requires action, where all people are

given equal opportunity to contribute to mission success and

be their true and authentic selves regardless of background.

Great analogy regarding diversity and inclusion

Diversity is having a seat at the table ... Inclusion is having

a voice ... Belonging is having that voice be heard

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WHEN IT COMES TO DIVERSITY & INCLUSION

There is an assumption that everyone knows and

understands what diversity & inclusion is; however, I

believe there are four different groups of people, as

described in the following:

The Champion

These people are committed advocates, allies and

experts in the workplace; they live, eat and breathe diversity

and inclusion. They understand and work with people from

many different cultures. They know a lot about the issues

and actively work toward change. These are usually the

informal leaders in the work-centers and need to be

incentivized to continue to do their work.

The Newbie

Well-intentioned yet uninformed, but their hearts are

in the right place. They sometimes express ill-informed

ideas, unknowingly contributing to problems they want to

see solved. It’s easy to get upset when people say ill-

informed things, but it’s important to remember that we’re

all still learning. Everyone has said the wrong thing at some

point or another, so we can all have some empathy for what

it feels like to mess up; and how we respond to them when

that happens, matters. Attacking or being condescending to

people who are trying to help discourages them from

continuing to help; and it risks converting these uninformed

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allies into bystanders or worse the extremists. Furthermore,

when people witness someone who’s misinformed but well-

intentioned get roasted for mistakenly saying something

offensive, it can create a widespread fear of being judged

harshly for messing up; and that can make people avoid

engaging in real conversations about these topics at all. Of

course, problematic thoughts and ideas need to be corrected,

but doing so with kindness and empathy encourages

everyone to stay involved.

The Bystander

Largely indifferent, they do nothing to advance

progress but little to actively hinder it, either. D&I? HUH?

They are busy and have not really thought about it. And

some may say, “What does this have to do with me?” This

group is our untapped market or undecided voters and our

biggest opportunity to deepen support for diversity &

inclusion interventions. These are people who haven’t spent

much time thinking about these issues and likely haven’t

been confronted with them. Many people in this category

are not sure, how they fit into these conversations or are not

sure if they should be part of them at all. To turn bystanders

into allies you need to make a compelling case for why they

should care. Listen to their concerns if they have them,

respond thoughtfully to misguided thinking and engage in a

dialogue (not a monologue) about these issues. We want to

get bystanders to care, rather than superficially towing the

line just to “stay out of trouble.”

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The Extremist

They have done their research and think diversity &

inclusion efforts are a waste of time and money. Confident

that they are “biased for a reason” they do not intend to

change their mind. The first instinct may be to dismiss these

people, discount everything they say and ignore these

viewpoints. However, if we want to win this battle for

equality, then like any good team, we need to study our

opposition. That means engaging in conversations with

those

who

disagree-even

vociferously.

These

conversations do not need to be held publicly of course (or

held at all if it is going to be triggering for you personally)

but in this profession, we must understand where they are

coming from and why they’re so concrete in their biases.

What purpose does it serve in their lives, and is there

something we could offer to replace it with? Even if we

never change the minds of many people in this category,

understanding why they feel what they feel, will help us

better target our efforts to those who are undecided.

Whatever extreme viewpoints they may have, those

indifferent to these issues likely have shades of the same

viewpoints; and by gaining insight into their motivations and

thought processes, we can frame our messages for the

broadest possible appeal.

Our culture has filled us with offensive, problematic

and misguided ideas about gender, race, sexuality-you

name it. Everyone is at a different place with how deeply

they believe these ideas (consciously or otherwise) and how

much time they’ve spent challenging them. Rather than just

knowing how to “preach to the choir”, we would be better

served if we meet people where they are. Then we can escort

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them on their journey forward, understanding this will make

more impact in the end.

THE BENEFITS OF DIVERSITY & INCLUSION IN

THE MILITARY

Diversity is a military necessity

AF capabilities and warfighting skills are enhanced

by diversity among its personnel. At its core, such diversity

provides our Total Force an aggregation of strengths,

perspectives and capabilities that transcends individual

contributions. AF personnel who work in a diverse

environment learn to maximize individual strengths and to

combine individual abilities and perspectives for the good of

the mission. Our ability to attract a greater, highly talented,

diverse pool of applicants for service with the AF, both

military and civilian, develop, and retain our current

personnel will impact our future Total Force. Diversity is

about strengthening our force and ensuring our long-term

viability to support our mission to fly, fight and win...in air,

space and cyberspace.

The armed forces pride themselves on being leaders

in diversity. In addition to providing equality, diversity gives

the military more strength by ensuring that it reflects the very

same American population it’s called to defend. Diversity

and inclusion have significant payoffs. All else being equal,

a team with more than one represented demographic will

tend to perform better, especially when it comes to

producing innovation, which becomes more important to us

with each passing day. Groups with members of varied

backgrounds generate more ideas and encourage individuals

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to “up their games.” A more diverse team will help you,

personally, and in your professional life. Properly led and the

more diversity around you, the more blind spots will be

covered, the more biases will be challenged, and the more

decisions will be interrogated and improved.

CREATING AND MAINTAINING AN AUTHENTIC

AND INCLUSIVE WORKPLACE CULTURE

There are many studies that show why people join

the Air Force, and like the rest of us, they are looking to work

where they fit in and where they can make human

connections. If they cannot make these connections, they

will most likely leave the Air Force and go somewhere else.

First, it’s important to ensure Airmen feel

comfortable bringing their whole selves to work; many of us

spend more waking hours at work than we do with our

families on any given day. The foundation of bringing your

whole self to work is authenticity, which is about showing

up

honestly,

without

self-righteousness,

and

with

vulnerability. I call this the Authenticity Equation: Honesty

• Self-Righteousness + Vulnerability = Authenticity. It takes

courage to be authentic, and it is essential for trust, growth,

and connection. Some simple things we can do to be more

authentic at work are admit when we do not know

something, acknowledge when we have made a mistake, or

ask for help in a genuine way. Authenticity is priceless and

people will always love you for being you. Remember what

values you hold close and make sure you work them into

your lifestyle in a way that you will remember in times of

uncertainty. When you are sure of yourself, the opposition

does not faze you. It will enlighten you and trigger curiosity.

All of this takes courage and requires us to embrace

vulnerability and let go of our need to be right. In other

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words, being authentic is essential to resolving conflict at

work in a productive and positive way.

It has also been tied to less burnout, because it helps

people deal more easily with jobs that involve a lot of

emotional labor. Therefore, being able to come to work and

not feel like you must put on a mask or façade to fit in is

important. It is easy to be caught up in the day-to-day

responsibilities of your job and not take the time to get to

know people in your office. Disrupt the work paradigm by

having a conversation with a coworker you do not normally

talk to and engage them on a non-work-related topic. As you

consider ways to bring your whole self to work, it is good to

find a connection with others outside of work. This

connection will often improve the ease of the working

relationship and enhance overall communication.

What can you do today to be a more inclusive leader!

Self-Reflection

Understand your feelings about diversity. Do you

appreciate the differences among your team members? Do

you recognize the value? By recognizing your own opinions,

you are better prepared to approach this topic with an open

mind.

Develop Rapport

The only way you can appreciate others’ talents is to

get to know them. As a leader, invest time in learning about

your team. Spend time asking your team members about

their background, their educational experiences, their family

environment, and what motivates them. These questions will

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help you find your common ground, as well as understand

what makes you different.

Build the 5-Minute Check-In Habit

Not all your conversations with your team members

should be task related. Check-in periodically to see how your

team members are doing and what you can do to help them.

When people feel they are cared about, they will feel their

contributions matter. This helps them unleash their thoughts,

opinions and - eventually - talents with their team.

Encourage Diversity of Thought

Many leaders fail because they look at their teams

and expect everyone to think and act as they do. Encourage

productive confrontation by challenging your team members

to think outside of the box. Create a comfortable

environment during meetings for others to speak up by first

asking for their opinions and then encouraging them to

continue to share their thoughts.

Team Building Activities

Take time away from work with your team and do

something different. Ask for suggestions on what they would

like to do. During these challenging times you could have

virtual Bingo, have a chili cook off, schedule days during the

week to volunteer together at charitable organizations, etc.

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Recognize Your Unconscious Bias-and Be

Humble About It

It is impossible to understand all the values, beliefs,

norms and rituals that are important to every person at work.

However, work to understand your own unconscious bias

about what you assume about others. Notice for example,

what assumptions are made about who should take notes in

meetings, and why. It is far more common for a woman to

be asked than a man, under the assumption that they have

neat handwriting. In order to hold yourself accountable for

(or even question the accuracy of) your thought process, you

first must know what it is. Having assumptions is not wrong

or bad, it’s part of how all people fast track understanding.

The problem arises when you are not even aware that you

are making assumptions. When it comes to promotions and

rewarding team members, think hard about why you make

decisions. The criteria you use should be job-related and

verified by data. Its good practice to try different

perspectives and make sure you have all the information you

need to avoid relying on stereotypes. Leaders cannot lead

by example unless they fully embrace diversity themselves.

Make the Unwritten Rules Obvious

All groups and organizations have cultural norms.

However, if they are not written anywhere, and are treated

as understood, it can be harder for new members of diverse

groups to know them. This is especially true on international

teams where people from different cultures or backgrounds

do not know the rules and accidentally misstep. This one-

example points out why it is so important to avoid making

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assumptions and to instead proactively look for ways to

make sure all employees are comfortable.

Don’t Overlook the “Small” Stuff

Be alert for inappropriate behaviors. For example,

when male team members talk about women at work, some

might just think its harmless gossip (see dangers of gossip &

rumors). When someone talks about another’s disability or

religious beliefs, it could be deemed an innocent comment;

however, casual comments and simple teasing can make

others uncomfortable. Unintentional slights of minority

groups can be perceived as offensive and damage workplace

relationships. Ignoring these behaviors can undermine a

respectful and harassment-free workplace. When you

witness someone being rude or dismissive to someone else,

call it out. Do not focus on finding fault but stating what you

notice and suggesting alternatives that include everyone.

Have a meaningful conversation with your team members

whenever necessary.

Understand the Advantages You’re Born With

Each person’s race, gender, sexual orientation,

gender identity, culture, physical ability, and religious

practices afford them different levels of access and privilege.

Even in simple tasks like walking through the work parking

lot at night, not everyone feels safe. Women traditionally

take more care in booking travel than men do, because they

have learned to be more cautious about their personal safety.

Inclusive leaders recognize that members of their team have

different considerations. Therefore, along with striving to be

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thoughtful, it is also important to be understanding if your

employee approaches a situation differently.

People Are Created Equal, But Not the Same

Inclusive leaders can notice and talk about difference

without making anyone feel objectified or singled-out. To

boot, managers are more successful when they see the

unique qualities of everyone on the team. In my work, I

encourage people to acknowledge the differences in a

respectful way. For example, while I mentioned that you do

not want to go as so far as to hold working parents back from

opportunities, you do want to recognize that being a parent

is part of who they are. You can still hold a father to the same

standards as everyone else on the team, but also make it clear

he can leave early to pick his daughter up from daycare.

Either way, inclusion is the skill that makes diversity work,

or diversity is proven to make companies more successful.

So therefore, embracing inclusivity is not only the right thing

to do as a human, but the smart thing to do as a leader.

Coach Your Team in Conflict Management

Conflict is unavoidable and isn’t always a bad thing.

Disagreements can breed innovation and positive change.

Encourage all team members regardless of what groups they

belong to, to speak up and share their concerns daily.

Training in communication is also vital to every team and

can even have better results than workplace diversity

training.

Give Feedback and Explain Your Decisions

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Giving meaningful feedback can be difficult, but it is

necessary. All team members need to know what they are

doing right and what they can improve. You should also be

transparent about important decisions to keep speculation to

a minimum. Being transparent with your treatment with

your team can help you too. If you are obliged to explain the

reasoning behind your decisions, you are more likely to

avoid subjective criteria and spot any unconscious biases

early on. Feedback is a two-way street. Encourage your

team to talk about their problems and ideas. Your door

should always be open for every team member.

The sooner you create the environment for diversity

to thrive, the sooner your team members will achieve better

results together. Cultivating and teaching compassion,

empathy, caring, respect, diversity, inclusiveness and

equality is of the utmost importance. Show willingness to

learn and understand; and creating the right environment for

our Airmen means empowering them to learn, grow and be

their authentic selves. By embracing all our differences, we

strengthen our ties.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS

Making workplace diversity work, poses challenges.

These are a few common issues faced by diverse teams:

• Minority groups feel undervalued and rarely

speak up

• Majority groups feel alienated by efforts to

enhance diversity

• Cultural conflicts arise and can distract teams

from solving work problems

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• Team members create closed networks or

cliques

Front line supervisors are responsible for alleviating

concerns and steering their team in the right direction. To

help manage diverse teams, leaders can ask themselves three

questions:

• How can I make all team members feel equally

valued?

• How can I facilitate collaboration between

team members?

• How can I always lead by example?

If there ever was any doubt, it should be clear now

on how important being an inclusive leader is! I really hope

that this waypoint resonated with you, and if you are not

already leading inclusively that this makes you take pause

and reevaluate your leadership priorities. I believe that it is

keenly important to have diversity of thought on this topic.

The Air Force has already set the diversity for us; it is up to

us to be inclusive. There are also other times where we

assemble teams to accomplish our missions, and I implore

you to take a hard look at how you assemble those teams. If

everyone on the team looks like, acts like, believes like you;

then you should really look at it again, and adjust fire. Lead

on legends!

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Key Takeaways

• Discrimination does occur
• The Air Force is diverse, but we must lead with

inclusiveness

• Discrimination effects everyone different
• Do not tell others how to feel
• Have the difficult conversations

Reflective Questions:

1. Is discrimination occurring in your organization?

• If discrimination is occurring in your organization,

what are you doing about it?

• What are you doing to develop/coach/mentor

inclusive leaders?

4. What are you doing to build and strengthen

inclusive organizations?

5. Are you promoting/leading difficult conversations?

What a great topic for leaders to discuss! I am

thankful that you are still on this journey with me, and we

only have one waypoint left. Let us take a knee and draw an

assessment of where we are, where you have been and where

you hope to go. I hope by now you have been able to

determine why you want to lead; and what type of leader that

you want to be. In this last waypoint, we will discuss

something that I call “boot leadership” which is the premise

of this entire book, trail guide; and we will take a value-

based leadership approach. We also have one final guest

appearance, by my friend Janay Stokes! I am excited y’all,

Let’s Get IT!!

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Becoming A Legend

“BOOT Leadership”

Value Based Leadership with a Human Connection Focus

Featuring Janay Stokes on having the “difficult

conversations that create change”

“How far you go in your life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.”

~George Washington Carver

Opening Thoughts

Teammates, we have arrived at our last waypoint on

this journey! Buckle up, because this last leg we are going

to jump straight into it, and we will not take a break until we

have reached the summit. Sometimes life seems like a

scramble, and leaders are not exempt from this. On a hike,

when you near the summit, it can sometimes take every

ounce of energy, grit, drive, motivation, dedication and sheer

will to reach the top. This last push will not be any different.

We will cover a lot over the next couple of pages, but I

believe that this last waypoint will put a “bow” on all we

have covered. Are you ready? Let’s lace them up then and

jump into “BOOT Leadership!”

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Legacy by Being “BOOT Leaders”

• They Inspire with Authenticity | Passion | Trust |

Approachability (Value-based Leadership)

• They CARE: with Kindness | Compassion
• They are Committed Warriors: with Courage |

Strength | Humility

BOOT Leadership:

The Boot

Boot leadership is about a mentality. Look at it this

way. What comes to mind when you think of a boot? I will

tell you what comes to my mind, durability. As we have

been using this analogy of hiking throughout the book, we

cannot hope to make it on our journey without some durable

footwear! Boots represent work. We cannot possibly think

that we will be successful as leaders, if we do not work hard.

Boots get dirty and beat up. As leaders, you will get dirty

and beat up. You do know that leadership will require hard

work, dedication, suffering, sacrifice and a lot of let downs,

right? Well, if that scared you, go ahead and catch your

breath, and continue this scramble! The boot represents

courage, and I think about all our service members that have

worn the boot as they served our great nation. Do not be faint

of heart; this journey requires courage; which I know you

have.

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The Slipper

Now, think of slippers. What comes to mind when

you think about a slipper? Well, I bet you thought of

something like laziness, not made for hiking, or maybe

comfort. I want you to know something; we have many

“leaders” that are wearing slippers versus boots. Legends cannot be slipper wearers; they must wear the boot! Legends do not have time for flipping slippers! Something else you should know; there will be slipper wearing “haters” that sit at the bottom of the mountain and throw insults at you, as you embark on your journey. Others will be trying to convince you to hang out in your comfort zone, with them. Do not fall victim to that temptation. Remember the “circle of influence” we talked about? Well, this is when you may need to tighten up your laces and call on your friends.

Over the next few paragraphs, I will walk us through

a few points to help you gain a better understanding of what

a boot leader is, and really it is a lot of what we have already

covered, with just a few extra tips. I want you to all become

boot leaders, who are legendary and leaders that will leave a

great legacy, a legacy of other leaders! The best way to leave

a great legacy is to develop leaders to replace you.

Boot Vs. Slippers

I talked about scars a little earlier on, but I want to

readdress it here to bring this point together. On our journey,

we must know who we really are, and we must deal with our

scars (if we have them, most do). If you remember, the scars

that I am referencing here are those emotional/psychological

scars that we receive over the spans of our lives. From my

experience, many of these scars come from our childhood

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and early adulthood. Many believe that we are inevitably

shaped by our experiences, but I say that we are influenced

by our experiences and how we choose to respond to them.

“wrong” calls.

We also must know who we are. What I mean by

this is that we must know what those personal core values

are, and then hold true to them. There will be plenty of times

where you may be tempted to slide your feet into those

slippers, and just avoid the “hard right” calls for the “easy

wrong” calls where you do not have to use your personal

core values. In my experience, leaders chose the slipper

route when following their personal values was not the

popular choice. Boot leadership calls to action our personal

core values and we must stay true to them; otherwise, we are

not authentic, and we will lose credibility with those we lead.

When we add up who we are with what we do, we

get the sum of either leadership or the oxygen exchange

program. Yes, either we face and deal with our scars and

who we are and choose to respond with realistic positivity;

or we can continue to be the product of our experiences

rather than our choices with those experiences. Be careful

or you can end up simply being on the slipper wearing

oxygen exchange program!

You Are Being Watched

We are always being watched! This will play in

more later when we discuss “Do what you say you are going

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to do” however, I want to discuss it here specifically. Our

teams will know if we are wearing boots or slippers, and they

will adjust their thoughts, perceptions, actions and responses

based on your “footwear”. The fact that we are constantly

under scrutiny by those we lead should not scare you, rather

it should motivate and inspire you! You have the honor and

privilege to lead people, to help guide them in their lives to

reach their full potential. We are living in times that require

real leaders, legendary leaders; and maybe more now than

any other point in time in our history. We will not let our

teams down. We will be the leaders that they need, and the

way that seems to work best is a “value-based” leadership

approach.

Value-Based Leadership

Value based leadership is an effective way of

developing, and building high performing teams with a great

culture, IF at least most of the individuals on the team is truly

motivated by values. If not, then it can be an extremely

difficult to build a shared value system based off other

individual’s values. I have used it many times in my career,

and sometimes it works and sometimes you just have to drive

compliance, especially if there are many individuals on the

team that either do not know what they value or value things

that are not morally and/or ethically accepted by the group.

In order to discuss value-based leadership a little

deeper, I want to take us through just a couple of sub points

that I believe nest under value-based leadership. The

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following highlights are not Earth shattering; however, I

have found that they are not that common among leaders. If

you want to be a real leader, a legend, then you will not want

to miss these next sub points. One thing that is for certain,

in order to execute value-based leadership effectively, is

connecting with your teammates on the human level.

Human Connection

Leaders cannot over emphasize the importance of

human connection. As you read earlier in this book,

Rochelle Hemingway stated this and she was adamant (and

I agree 100%) that we MUST connect with those we lead, at

the human level! Listen, in my experience, most leaders do

NOT connect with those they are responsible for leading.

They “check the boxes” at the superficial level; however,

they rarely ever get deeper than that. Well, how many of

your previous or even current supervisor, knew or knows

your story? I imagine that very few of you can answer that

with a “Yes, they know...” Legends, we must set and be the

example!

Be the example

Legends, we are the example. The standards we

enforce are the only standards that will be consistently

followed. If you walk past a problem, then you just

approved of that problem. Remember our inclusive

leadership discussion from earlier? Well, this is it; we must

set, be and model the example of what right leadership looks

and acts like.

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Remove Your CaC, and Pay Attention

This is such a simple and easy to accomplish action

that shows your teammates that you are committed to them

and their situation(s). Maybe you have had this happen to

you. Have you ever walked in to talk to someone, and they

never even looked up from their computer as they spoke to

you? Maybe you have had someone look at you; however,

they leave their CaC in their computer, and then a minute or

so into the conversation you must be boring them, because

they keep looking back at their screen like they need to send

that one email that will end world hunger? Does that not just

make you feel like a valued and appreciated member of the

team! No? Well, I cannot imagine why not. No, I am

playing, I completely get it, and it really irritates me.

Heed the warning here legends! If it makes you feel

that way (irritated and /or unappreciated) and even if it does

not make you feel any sort of way, then rest assured it will

or it is highly probable that it will make others feel less than

valued. It is so EASY to just turn and speak to them. Now,

if the conversation is going to take more time than you have

to spare at that moment, just set up a future appointment with

them so that you have adequate time to give them the

attention they need and deserve.

Never Write Anyone Off

How many times have we seen this? How many

times has it happened to you? How many times have you

done it to someone? I get it, we all mess up; however, if you

mess up and write someone off too soon, then we need to go

back and try to make that situation right. How? Well, for

starters, we can and should ask for forgiveness. Take that

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pride out, and now walk it off into the woods and bury

it...you will not need that around here anymore.

Now, I will say that some people do need to be

moved along; and as we say in the Air Force when

an Airman (regardless of rank) cannot adjust or

conform to military life, “Show them the front

gate.”

What I am saying here is for us to not write a

subordinate or teammate off too fast. It is our responsibility

to try to coach them back on to the right track. Have you

seen the meme where there is an adult in the pool with a

couple of children, and the adult is holding one child, playing

and the other child is about to go under? Well, if you have,

that is the picture that should come to mind here. As leaders,

we owe it to those we lead, to at least try to get them to the

standard and to not write them off after one or two mistakes.

We are not the grim reaper after all...do not let them drown.

We Are NOT the Coddling Corporation, but

We Are Also NOT the Grim Reaper

We are NOT a coddling corporation; and we MUST

(at least in the military) prepare our Airmen for combat.

Now granted it is not hand to hand, door kicking, or grenade

throwing combat (for most career fields) but combative and

hostile environments, nonetheless. So, we must be prepared

for the worst day, on any day; however, we do not have to

be mean or treat people inhumanely in order to prepare them.

How many times have you seen the poster or sign that says,

“The beatings will continue until the morale improves? Well, those are not funny, and they do not promote a professional culture. You may be saying, “Come on now

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Chief, you know it is just a joke.” Yeah, maybe I do and

maybe I do not know that. Maybe those you are entrusted to

lead do not know or feel that way. What are we really telling

our teams with comments like that anyway? One thing we

are not telling them is that they are in a space where they can

fail and grow. I would much rather our Airmen fail on the

training grounds, versus in combat!

Create a Safe Environment Where Growth is

Possible

Legends, it is critical that we provide our teammates

with the latitude, or flexibility to slip, trip and/or fall. We

cannot, we must not micromanage them; however, we

cannot just throw them to the wolves or fire either. We must

coach them to a level where they are ready to execute the

mission or task on their own. They do not have to be

perfectly ready, so just breathe and let them do it. Just

remember that they may have had years of people saying

they had the flexibility to fall, but then never were treated

that way. So, do not be surprised if they do not completely

believe or trust you at first. Give it time and with patience,

coaching and proof that you are a leader of your word, they

will come around.

Know Their Story

Do you know the stories of those you lead? I mean,

do you really know their stories; where they are from, who

their parents are, what their interest are? How about their

viewpoints or even their ideas? If you do not know these

things about those you lead, then you need to lace up your

boots and get to work! Words of caution as you embark

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upon this portion of building rapport with your teammates.

Do not fake this or make it a “check the boxes” type of

mechanized leadership approach, because they will know,

and it will blow up in your face! This is about connecting at

the human level, and that is simply not something that you

can fake or just go through the motions on. There will be

times where you will need to have those difficult (at least

they are difficult for some) discussions about our society’s

hot topics (race, religion and politics).

Have the Difficult Discussions

This is something that ties back to being an inclusive

leader, and it is something that we MUST do! I believe the

best way to teach you how to do this, is through my friend

and legendary leader, MSgt Janay Stokes. I recently had the

opportunity to sit down with Janay and go over how to have

difficult discussions, and I would be foolish to not share her

#wisdom directly with you!

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

~Maya Angelou

Opening Thoughts

How can conversations, real dialog help humans

develop better relationships? In addition, why have we

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always been told to NOT talk about religion, politics or race?

We are all adults, right?

MSgt Janay Stokes’ thoughts

High Stakes

It is human nature to back away from discussions we

fear will hurt us or affect relationships with people we like,

know and trust. We are masters at avoiding difficult

discussions. In a professional environment, it may be

difficult to have tough conversations, because we of our

investments in our professional relationships. As humans,

we are a product of our experiences and the relationships we

have built. Think about the times when you had a friend or

mentor who gave you critical [constructive] feedback. You

were probably more receptive to that feedback, potentially,

because you respected that relationship.

Most of the time we never get the chance to create a

safe space up front [as the difficult discussion starts], so I

would suggest setting that safe space early on in that

relationship. Establish things that make you tick, how you

were brought up, your family dynamics, things you do not

like and things you care the most about. Most of the time we

are thrown into a work environment, and we are expected to

assimilate or conform without ever setting the foundation.

When the foundation is not established up front, you can

expect some cracks.

Naturally, when we think of difficult discussions, we

think that we can automatically see into the future, with a

negative ending. We expect loss of friendships, loss of trust

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and respect for that person, and at times, our work suffers.

However, if we were taught how to set the foundation early,

difficult discussions would be a little easier to handle. Now,

it is not always going to be easy, but once you go into the

conversation with the established relationship in mind, you

are able to reach a better result. As the one carrying the

conversation, you have the power to control the conversation

in a positive and constructive way using three key steps. I

will go into a few tips on how to have a productive difficult

conversation: 1. Purpose 2. Engagement 3. Your desired

outcome (Follow up!). All these things take practice!

Purpose

Before jumping into your purpose, you must “keep it

real with yourself”. Work on becoming more self-aware!

Understand your body’s natural responses when you feel

threatened, insulted or attacked. Do you debate, give the

silent treatment, or manipulate the conversation? Maybe you

are the problem. Maybe they are the problem. Regardless,

the only person we can continuously inspire, prod and

share...is the person in the mirror. The journey of learning

about yourself is forever changing but be open and receptive

to feedback, all feedback!

If you do not get feedback, ASK FOR IT! Surround

yourself with people who do not share your same

viewpoints. That is a good way to keep you engaged and in

tune with your innate responses to differences in thoughts.

We sometimes seek confirmation bias as a crutch or as the

easy button. We rarely pursue challenges, we like to stay

comfortable, and so when we are presented with a

challenging discussion, it already feels uncomfortable

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because it is unfamiliar territory. We must be able to discern

whom, and what influences our thoughts and reactions.

Now that we know what we need to work on...let us

get into our purpose with planned conversations. If the other

person is going to accept your invitation, they need to know

what it is they are agreeing to do. Letting them know up front

that your goal for the discussion is to understand their

perspective better, share your own, and talk about how to go

forward together, will go a long way to make the

conversation less mysterious and threatening. Before going

into the conversation, what is the end state? Is your desired

outcome to simply educate or inform with no response

expected? Are you expecting and prepared for feedback after

educating your subordinate or peer? Is the goal to defend or

oppose a decision being made? If so, how are you going to

begin the conversation? It is always okay to go back and

revisit conversations that have gone wrong, once you

understand where it went wrong, because maybe you went

into the discussion without knowing your purpose or desired

outcome.

Skilled people start with heart. They begin high-risk

conversations with the right motives, and they stay focused

no matter what. You must go into the conversation with good

intentions. Crucial conversations often go awry not because

of the content of the conversation, but because others believe

that painful content of your conversation has malicious

intent under the surface. How can I feel safe when you are

out to harm me? Everything out of your mouth at this point

is suspect. What is your purpose? Let it be known up front.

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Engagement

What do you need to do when you engage in a

difficult discussion? Engagement is everything! Listen to

understand, do not listen to respond, develop understanding.

It is okay to process the information during the conversation.

You do not always have to have a response or answer right

away.

It is okay to step out or take a break when you do not

feel safe and then come back once you process your purpose.

Ask Questions “Help me understand how that made you

feel” “Help me see from your perspective” “Is there

something deeper, or something that I am missing?” A real

conversation is an interactive process.

Desired Outcome

When you go into this conversation with the desired

outcome in mind, it makes it a little easier to have the

conversation. Usually the end state should be to build upon

your relationship with the person you are conversing with.

Think about how you see the conversation ending. Mutual

respect, provide or gain insight, develop a mutual

understanding

and

attempting

to

understand

their

perspective is key. Try to see it from their perspective. We

need to have an outward mindset. Facing these difficult

conversations and speaking up can have additional benefits

to include becoming a better leader, (because we all know

the leaders who shy away from conflict when it matters most

and how that impacts and organization), improving your

organization, it improves relationships, revitalizes your

community and definitely improves your overall personal

health.

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Follow up

Sometimes after a difficult discussion, we may or

may not have the chance to follow up with the other member;

but if you care about that individual and your goal is to build

upon that relationship, it is a good practice to follow up.

Feedback

Maybe after a difficult discussion with a peer,

supervisor, subordinate or friend, ask to do lunch or meet up

to see if things are getting better. Especially in a work

environment, you must continue to communicate.

Thanks Jay, those were some valuable #wisdom

nuggets that you dropped for us, regarding difficult

discussions. Legends, you MUST have the difficult

discussions if you ever hope to connect at the human level!

Additional “BOOTisms”

Do What You Say You Are Going to Do | Be the

Leader You Needed

Yes, we must talk about this, because there are many

people that do not abide by this principle. If you want to be

a leader, then you will do what you say, or at the very

minimum; you will explain why you are not able to do what

you said. I warn you to not let your mouth “write checks you

cannot cash” meaning that you should be very cautious about

what you say you are going to do; because you only get a

few times of being wrong, before you start to lose credibility

with your team.

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Another thing that some leaders forget as they

summit their journey is how it felt when they were at the

bottom of the mountain. NEVER forget how it felt to be at

the bottom. Be the leader that you needed when “fill in the

blank”. I promise you that it will be so impactful to that

teammate when you stop to listen and help them on their

journey. Never underestimate the power and difference that

a few minutes can make in someone’s life.

Treat Them Like a Human (novel idea...)

Wow! Do I really have to talk about this? Yes,

unfortunately I do have to talk about it, because it does not

happen as often as you would think that it does. Listen, we

are all human and we deserve dignity and respect. If you

think that basic human dignity and respect must be earned,

then you need to bow out of your leadership position!

Leaders set the example. It is incredibly frustrating when I

hear people tell me that they just feel like another “cog” in

the machine; and I have spoken to thousands of people about

this. Leaders, we owe it to everyone on the globe, but

especially to those we are entrusted to lead, to treat them

with the utmost respect.

Be Available to Mentor

Yes, be available to truly mentor others. What is

your definition of mentorship? Many times, when I ask this

question, people end up providing me with a definition more

closely aligned to coaching. I’ll refer you back to waypoint

#3 where Nina goes into more depth. The bottom line on

this, STOP putting it in your performance reports (Air Force)

and claiming that you have mentored 400 people in a year,

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because you KNOW you did not do that! Mentorship is a

true sojourning with another human being. You may not be

able to afford (time) to accept every request to mentor that

you receive. Be selective and only accept those in which you

have the capacity to fully support.

Call Their Special People

This is one of my favorite things to do! After I get to

know someone in the organization; I also get to know who

is special to them (back home or wherever) and then I ask if

it is ok to call them. It is so cool to see the faces of those you

lead, light up when you are talking to their special people! I

always take the opportunity to tell them how important they

are and how much their son, daughter, niece, nephew, cousin

or whomever is to us and our mission in the Air Force. Their

family members are always eager to hear more, and they

always ask me to make sure that I take care of them. As a

father of four, I completely get that part! Legends, never

forget that you are responsible for and entrusted with human

lives that should be precious to you, but I promise you they

are precious to someone. That is why I say “entrusted” so

much. There are people out there that have entrusted you

(without knowing you) with leading their special human, do

NOT SCREW IT UP!

Tell Them You are Proud of Them

When was the last time someone told you they were

proud of you? How did it make you feel? Good, right?

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Well, when is the last time you told any of the awesome

people you lead that you are proud of them? Do not wait,

find something that you are proud of them for, and then tell

them! Listen, do not just say it to be saying it, because then

it will be hollow, and they will know. Pick something

specific out and tell them about that. As an example, the

other day I received an email from one of our Airman

Leadership School instructors, Jeff Carley. I responded to

his email and then at the end of my email, I told him that I

was proud of the type of instructor and Noncommissioned

Officer that he is, and for how he gives his students life

lessons versus just the “box check” book answers. Be

specific.

We Are Our Organization’s Pillars of Strength

and Loyalty (we are the HOPE)

Are you really seen this way? Are you seen as your

organization’s pillar of strength and loyalty? I hope you are,

but if you are not, then I suggest you correct that as soon as

possible...NOW! Our people look up to us and should be

able to emulate us. Do your followers look at you as hope?

If our followers do not look at us as a symbol of hope, then

it is highly probable that we are not creating a culture and

environment of safety and growth. Be a leader of your word,

and stand for what is right, and never cave in to the easy,

comfortable norm.

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Preserve the Privilege to Lead & Do NOT waste

the Opportunity

We have somewhat already talked about this but let

us go ahead and highlight it again. Remember when we

talked about leading and connecting at the human level?

Well, this is where we bring that full circle and highlight how

much of a privilege it is versus a right. I have seen so many

leaders who think leadership is a right, and that people

should feel privileged to be under their leadership. Hahah,

just to be clear, these types of “leaders” SUCK! Do NOT

waste this incredible opportunity that you have. Soak every

moment in and do the very best you possibly can to help

those around you, and trust me, they will help you grow and

succeed beyond your wildest dreams. It is ALL about people

and doing your best to help them in their journey.

Inspire

As leaders and influencers, we must be authentic and

inspire people, and it is highly unlikely that you will inspire

people if you are not both authentic and passionate. What is

your “WHY?” That is the key to your passion. Once you

identify your why, you will begin to unlock and display your

passion! Leaders must build TRUST with their teams! We

must trust each other, and when we do not trust those to our

left, right, in front of us, and those behind us, we have a much

higher probability of failing. It is imperative to build trust

with those around us, and we can only do that by being

credible and approachable. What makes you trust someone?

At a minimum be that type of person, a person that you

would trust. Remember, trust is SO EASILY lost through

careless words and actions...DON’T FAKE IT! You must

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be authentic, because without that, you are just faking it, and

you are the only one that is fooled!

Lastly, you MUST be approachable. Get off your

“high horse”! If those you are entrusted to lead do not believe that they can come to you because of (fill in the blank) then you are NOT approachable! If you are not inspiring your team, then it is time to get real and lace those boots up! Four Questions You NEED TO Think About (from your dash) Did I Teach | Coach | Mentor | Lead Them? Did I prepare Them? Did I CARE About Them as People? They Will Talk: What Will They Say, and What Will They Wear?

Wow! There is a LOT to say about value-based

leadership, and I really did not even scratch the surface!

There are a few other (spurs) that I want you to be aware of,

as we encroach ever closer to our journey’s summit here.

Some of these are really Air Force Specific; however, my

civilian teammates can replace some of the service specific

material with your organization’s material (ethos, code of

conduct and etc...). Lastly, some of the material was

covered earlier in the book; however, I believe that it is

pertinent for us to have a condensed version refresher.

Watch Out for the Paper Tigers

Here is a bonus! You all that have listened to my

podcast or have seen some of my videos, you know what this

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is, but for everyone else... These are those “leaders” that

look good on paper (resumes, performance reports, awards,

accolades etc.) but could not lead their way out of a wet

paper bag! Legends, it is our duty, our responsibility to

make certain that this never happens under our watch. We

will provide feedback and correct or stop any paper tigers

directly in their tracks. Listen, it is not hard, because they

are not real leaders, and they will back down from their

made-up position quickly. However, a word of caution; if

you do not challenge and correct them, they will end up

promoting and messing people up because they have NO

idea how to lead. Then it will be your fault...

CARE

Real leadership takes action! Create A Remarkable

Experience. If leaders do not take action to demonstrate that

they care about their followers, then they are simply thinking

about their followers vs. leading them. Therefore, leaders

must create the positive experience and environment,

because it will not happen without action. If the leader waits

on someone else to act (create), then they lose their impact

and credibility.

What is a remarkable experience? Well, there are

undoubtedly many definitions of what a remarkable

experience is; however, for this principal, a remarkable

experience is a positive experience a follower should have

regarding an action that a leader has taken. Think of it this

way; try to remember a time that someone else cared about

you, your life, your family, your goals and/or your career and

was not just filling the perceived leadership requirement?

You probably felt like they were concerned about your

success and not their own; and you probably recognized that

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they were more interested in adding value to your life vs.

gaining anything for themselves.

That is what the C.A.R.E. principal is all about! It is

about leaders adding value to the lives of those that they lead.

It requires leaders to slow down, stop checking boxes, and

start creating relationships with people, start adding value to

their lives and empowering them to accomplish their goals.

This will no doubt be a remarkable experience for anyone

exposed to this leadership, and in turn motivate them to

become real leaders themselves! Come on now if you are not

getting this done, “Lace ‘em up”!

Profession of Arms

For my service members reading this, we must never

forget what we are serving for! The Profession of Arms is

much older than our young country. The profession emerged

over the centuries, arising from the need to defend a nation’s

territory, culture, ideals, and people. Its members were the

noble few who stood for what was morally right and

ethically just, who endured the burdens, and who fought to

defend their nation’s interests or to shield those who could

not protect themselves. Those who answer this call and

embody the warrior spirit are the few who are prepared to

give what President Abraham Lincoln described as their

“last full measure of devotion” in order to serve a higher cause.

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Oath of Enlistment

I, ________, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will

support and defend the Constitution of the United States

against all

enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true

faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the

orders of the

President of the United States and the orders of the

officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the

Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.

NEVER forget that!!

We are here!

Let’s empty out our packs for some last-minute

wisdom nuggets, especially geared for our Air Force Senior

Noncommissioned Officers (SNCOs) however, if you know

me, then you know I like for us to have the mindset “always

ready!”. So, NCOs, Let’s Get IT!! To my civilian leaders

out there, apply accordingly.

Advise

What type of advice will you be giving? What will

it be based off? What does “mentor” mean? Will you just

shoot off at the mouth, or will you dig in and make sure that

you are truly advising and mentoring? I guarantee most, if

not all of you have complained about all the “ROAD”

SNCOs (Retired On Active Duty) that you know / have

known...now, your turn to not mess it up...do NOT be

ROAD!

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Professional Military Education

Quit complaining about it and get what you can from

it! Is it where it needs to be yet? NO, but that does not mean

that it is not good.

Experience

Is that true, or do you have a bunch of relived

experiences...meaning you have done the same thing

repeatedly, counting them as a “combined” array of

experiences? People will listen to you and expect that

experience...do NOT fake it with them!

Involved

You MUST be involved in decision-making

processes. Do NOT be the “they decided” SNCO!

Transition

You MUST transition from that frontline supervisor

and technical expert to more of the manager and leader; but

do not become disconnected from the Airmen out getting the

J.O.B. done!

Responsible

You will be responsible, so get used to it! You

cannot afford to be parochial...there is an entire team

waiting and needing to be led by you!

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Manage

It is ok to manage too! Managing is NOT bad, and

you MUST be good at both leading and managing, or you

will suck!

Role Model

You must make the “hard right” calls vs the “easy

wrong” calls. You MUST be the example of a professional

that is always ready!

Translator

This gets an “F” all the time! We as SNCOs want to

be “in charge” but blame everything on the boss / CC.

Where will you be? Most will be hanging out at the smoke

pit saying, “I don’t know man, it’s what the CC wants”.

FAIL, you should be helping to shape the ops / actions /

narrative.

Developer

Oh yeah, the work just started! This is another area

that we are not doing well enough in yet, but I have faith that

you all will get after it.

Ready

You MUST make sure your team is ready! Our next

war will be a LOT different from the one we spent the last

20 years in... We also MUST never forget that our

teammates are human (we covered that at great length) and

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they need us to listen to them...that is another form of

readiness that is all too often missed, but I know you will not

overlook it!

Inclusive

Where are you? How are you leading? SNCOs (all

leaders) have a special obligation and responsibility to

ensure the Air Force (any organization) retains a climate and

culture of dignity and respect.

One more thing...

Committed Warrior (no need for chapter

summary or key take away(s)

A “legit” leader is a true warrior; even though they

may not bear a weapon in their daily activities; however,

they have the warrior mentality. There are plenty of times

in a leader’s journey that it would be easier to just not care

or to give up; nevertheless, a leader will certainly not do that

because they have courage to FIGHT ON! Leaders must also

demonstrate strength. Not physical strength, but rather a

strong and courageous mindset...not easily phased by the

chaos around them.

There are many times that the leader will be the only

thing between chaos and calmness; and if leaders fail to be

the calm in the storm, then their team will fail. It is critical

that a strong courageous leader remains humble, because if

not, they will lose their ability to relate / connect with those

around them.

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all of the time.

Even if you are “right” there is a way to approach it,

you do not have to be “right” all the time. Being humble

also supports being an open-minded leader. If your team

does not see you as an open minded and humble warrior,

then you are NOT leading, and you definitely need to “Lace

‘em up”!

We are in the dash, you know, that dash on your

tombstone... There is a “born date” a dash then a “death

date”. We are in the dash. Every moment counts, every

human counts and we must never forget that. I want you all

to have fun and live a dash that is worth talking about. Do it

with love and live with no regrets!

JUST BE A BOOT LEADER!!

Love y’all, and Let’s Get IT!!

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Epilogue

I am not big on conclusions, as I have already left it all out

on the trail! If you must indeed have a conclusion, I leave

you with this. As a leader, you do not have an easy trail to

walk, on the summit to your life; and always remember that

it is about the journey and to just CARE about those you

meet along the way. It is critical that we are kind and treat

everyone with dignity and respect...they earned that as soon

as they entered this world.

Good luck and God speed out there legends, I’ll see you out

on the trail, and remember. Do NOT suck at this, people are

truly counting on you to do your best!

Acknowledgments

I want to thank the key people who helped me with some of

the key areas of writing this book.

First, my beautiful and loving wife Amy! She poured hours

into editing and formatting my book; along with dealing with

me the entire time!

Secondly, I am forever grateful for Rochelle, Crystal, Janay,

Nina, George, and Leslie for sharing their thoughts and

wisdom that rounded this “trail guide” out perfectly! Thank

you all for not only that, but for also being an important part

of my journey!

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About the Author

Caleb is a man with personal values of faith, family, and service, which

he carries out with passion, trust and legacy. He is Husband to Amy for

20 years, father to four sons and an Airman for 19 years. He has traveled

the world and has had the opportunities to serve with and for thousands

of other Airmen from numerous and very diverse backgrounds. You can

see his official biography (at the time of this writing) below, but just

know that he is a compassionate, adventurous, and full of life man doing

the best he can to share with, help and learn from others.

He has hobbies, probably like many other fathers of four sons, anything

physically demanding and everything that his sons are into...which is a

LOT! His one and only goal is to leave a great legacy. Now there is a

lot to a great legacy; however, he sees no need to overcomplicate his

goals. He is a proud Airman of the United States Air Force, and his goal

in the Air Force is the same as it is in life, to leave a great legacy of

service and care.